You ever just sit around and think about Anderson Cooper? I did recently when I saw the shocking news that the CNN anchor turns out to be…GAY! Who saw that one coming? Later on, following his first announcement, Andy also came out as a body double for Casper the ghost, revealed that he was skinny, and turned folks on to the fact that he does not now, nor ever will, dye his hair white. Hot damn! Slow news day, anyone?
Anderson Cooper is a gay homosexual man
In related news, a rash of other celebrities have come out with their own startling revelations:
Rush Limbaugh came out as a fat, deaf, drug-addicted hypocritical asshole who looks like a blubbery Mister Potato-Head.
Larry King came out as a mummy and as “in all honesty dead for quite a while now.”
George Burns came out as NOT dead, just really needing to take a break from all the touring and chain cigar-smoking.
Tom Cruise came out as a gay, couch-jumping, big-toothed nut-job/compulsive giggler. (Please don’t kill me, Tom Cruise. I have a kid.)
George Bush came out as Curious George, the Retarded Warmongering Monkey.
Snooki came out as an alcoholic, rage-prone slut with a brain the size and consistency of a wasabi pea.
Barack Obama came out as African… African-American, that is — motherfucker!
Can’t wait to hear more shocking news. Which reminds me, I think I’ll use this opportunity to come out as a whiskey-drinking mother-humpin’ redneck with scant tolerance for bigoted, Nazi-loving donkey-humpers. Kill the haters before they hate again! Hot damn!
What do you guys reckon? Heard any other juicy celeb revelations? Let me know in the comments section. I’m always looking for a scoop.
“Yeah, I’m gay. What are you gonna do about it? Oh, you’re gonna suck my nuts about it? Well, that’s cool enough for school.”
(Editor’s note: clicking on links can lead you to some crazy-offensive shit. You’ve been warned.)
Look: if you have a problem with this list, chances are you’re not a very good Christian. See, Jesus, if he ever did walk the Earth, totally loved everybody no matter what, something that a lot of so-called Christians have a hard time wrapping their tiny, dense, inbred, little minds around. Oh, and don’t forget the famous quote from the New Testament, when Jesus says: “Thou shalt have a sense of humor. If thou dost not have a sense of humor, thou can suck my holy chubby.” Or something like that.
Top 7 Reasons to Suspect Jesus May Have Been Gay
He was very well-muscled from long hours of stroking wood in his carpenter’s shop.
He had really great hair. It was very full bodied and never frizzy, indicating the use of some minty product.
He was excessively into the whole “bros before hoes” thing.
He told a bunch of dudes to eat his body and drink his blood. How gay is that?
On the cross he was heard to cry out: “This shade of wood doesn’t match my eyes!”
He never had sex with a woman.
He never had sex with a woman. Wait…did I already say that? Well, I reckon it deserves saying twice.
And by the way, The Guardian actually has a serious article about gay Jesus, which you can read here.
What do you guys think? Was Jesus minty? Was he as straight as Randy “Macho Man” Savage (register irony)? Let me know in the comments section. Remember: Jesus would want you to leave a comment.
“I’m not gay. I just really dislike hair pie. Okay. You got me. I’m gay.”
Today I serve up in a tall glass a special treat for your consumption: an exclusive interview with the lovely and talented Jenny Bolam Rauch, author of the now-famous, Freshly Pressed blog post “Seinfeld Episodes That Wouldn’t Work Today“, and author and Queen Bee of her own coffee-drenched, very engaging universe, AdorablyCaffeinated.com. If you haven’t yet visited her blog, nor read the Seinfeld piece, then do so right the hell now. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Pretty great, huh?
As soon as I read Ms. Rauch’s blog, I just knew I had to get her to answer a pile of obnoxious questions. She’s been very obliging in this capacity, entrusting her safe-passage through Claytonlandia to yours truly. Enjoy the results of her incredible error in judgment. Hot damn!
1. Why did you start blogging? Why won’t you stop?
I read the site HelloGiggles a lot, and one day (this past January) they posted that they were looking for someone to contribute a weekly column. I got really excited and wrote a few pieces to submit (one of which I made my first blog post) but I never heard back from them. I was super bummed, because I had had so much fun writing those pieces. When I realized how good it felt to write again, my friend Annie (who writes a lovely music blog over at hautethought.com) told me I should just start my own blog. So I did. And I don’t think I’ll stop because I just love writing. Plus, it’s comforting to know that people relate to the random craziness that goes on in my head, and I’m not just clinically deranged.
2. If you were a day of the week, which would it be and why?
Saturday. Specifically Saturday afternoon. It’s the most relaxing time in the week, because you have your whole evening and Sunday ahead of you, and you didn’t have to go to work.
Everything inspires me. Anything from a really cool photograph, to an encounter with a stranger, a television show, a new haircut, or Call Me Maybe. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I write about some completely random shit.
4. Does Starbucks pay your rent? How much is your rent?
HA I wish they paid my rent—though I’ll settle for an unlimited Starbucks card. My rent is too much. Cost of living in DC is brutal. We are literally paying double of what my high school/college friends are paying in the Chicago area.
5. What inspired the famous “Seinfeld Episodes That Wouldn’t Work Today” post?
I actually originally wrote the inspiration in the post, but decided to take myself out of it a little more. Lucky I did, or I probably wouldn’t have gotten freshly pressed and we wouldn’t be having this conversation (?) right now. My sister was visiting, and while we were taking some time out of the sun, we were watching DVDs of season 2. I had had these thoughts before, just not at a time when I was blogging. I was sure I wasn’t the only one, so I decided to write about it.
6. Were you taken aback by the success it enjoyed? Are you now smug?
Honestly, I was taken aback a little bit. I had finished it really quickly before running off to a softball game and didn’t think it was my best work. The first time I was freshly pressed (for my breakup letter to How I Met Your Mother) it was humbling and exciting. This time it kind of made me hungry. Freshly pressed twice in less than five months? Yeah, maybe a little smug. Though [it’s more like]
‘more confident’ ☺
7. If you had to sleep with one Seinfeld character, whom would it be and why?
Well, not George because unlike Marisa Tomei, I’m not attracted to short bald men. Not Kramer, because well, just no. Jerry’s a little neurotic… I’m going to go with Elaine. She’d probably be best in the sack.
8. If you had to make out with a Starbucks coffee drink, which would it be and why?
Alex made me a drink one time that was half mocha, half white mocha, a little caramel and vanilla, and with half & half instead of regular milk. I can’t even describe to you how good it was. I wanted to marry it right in the store, and the way I slurped it up was basically a make-out session.
9. What’s your favorite movie? Justify your answer if necessary.
Crap. Umm. I love movies, so this is really hard for me. And it’s also hard to compare something like “Some Like It Hot” to “Can’t Hardly Wait” or “The Avengers”, all of which are amazing and very different. Ok. “America’s Sweethearts.” Final answer. I can’t help it. I know basically every line and I’m never not in a mood to watch it.
10. What’s your favorite color? Justify your answer no matter what.
Aqua. It looks great on me, and while I really love yellow, yellow sometimes gives me a headache and aqua never does.
11. If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, whom would it be and why? Remember: Vampires and Zombies are neither living nor dead, so they’re verboten.
Abraham Lincoln. I want to find out if he really hunted vampires. Or Oprah, because well, she’s Oprah.
12. Burnt to a crisp or bloody as hell?
I’m not sure I know what that means. If you’re referring to steak, I like mine to be mooing. If this is some sort of dirty code, then I plead the 5th.
13. Boxers or briefs?
Haha I asked you this too. I like to wear boxers. The bunchy feeling they give me under my jeggings is really soothing.
14. Taco salad or foot-long hotdog? Remember: pig anus is delicious.
I love hot dogs. And nothing you say can change my mind. I’m eating three at the Nationals game tonight. Whaddup.
15. Gandhi or Darth Vader? Remember: Gandhi is smug.
Darth Vader all the way. Imagine how much more headway Gandhi would’ve gotten if he had been able to choke the opposition with the power of his mind.
16. What do you make of Adidas Shackle Shoes? Funnier than slavery?
One of my co-workers actually thinks they were modeled after some toy he had called “My Pet Monster.” Maybe the Germans aren’t as racist as we all think.
17. What do you think of Charlize Theron’s derriere? Better than Cheez Whiz?
I think she has a mighty fine hiney.
18. What superpower would you most like to have and why?
I’ve actually given this a lot of thought before. Answer is, bar none, teleportation. It would be such a time-saver. I could’ve walked on the beach in the South of France and been back in the time it took me to answer these interview questions.
19. Why did the chicken cross the mega-highway? Being gay isn’t why!
Well being gay would be a very good reason, but only if there was only opposite-sex chickens on his side of the highway, and a gaggle of same-sex chickens on the other side. I’m going to get philosophical and say he crossed it “because it was there.” Much like Everest.
20. Have you found that this interview violated your personal space? P.S. Please withdraw the restraining order. I’m actually harmless, despite what my now-dead probation officer says.
I feel incredibly violated. In fact, I’m ending this interview right now.
“It hurts so good. Better than coffee. Better than sex.”
(Editor’s note: clicking on links might lead to insanely amusing schlitz. Or some horrific/informative schlitz. Depends on the link)
You ever just sit around and think about German sneaker-maker Adidas? I did, recently, when I came across a cute little idea those wacky Europeans had: a sneaker with prison-orange shackles that wrap around the wearer’s ankles.
“Uproariously tasteful, just like a Jesus-man-flesh sandwich.”
Now I know what you’re thinking: Who the heck could this possibly offend? Just because the shoes are obviously marketed to young black dudes, and just because black folks have endured rape, torture, and enslavement at the hands of white folks, and just because Germans haven’t always been awesome in terms of their human rights record, and just because the first thing you think of when you see the #@$!ing shoes is @#!$ing Kunta Kinte and whip-scarred backs and dead black folks on slave ships — well that’s no reason why anyone should be offended…right? Hot damn!
Among those not super-amused by Adidas was Jesse Jackson. In a statement, he said:
“The attempt to commercialize and make popular more than 200 years of human degradation, where blacks were considered three-fifths human by our Constitution is offensive, appalling and insensitive. Removing the chains from our ankles and placing them on our shoes is no progress. … These slave shoes are odious and we as a people should be called to resent and resist them.”
Come on, Jesse! Where’s your sense of humor? Wait — what’s that you say? You had it whipped out of you by a cheery white man that doesn’t care whether your young men rot in prison or die in storm drains? My bad!
In the wake of the Shackle Shoe fiasco, Adidas has also had to withdraw several other great pieces of concept footware:
The Oven Shoe: Featuring the reformed gold fillings of dead Jews as shoelace eyeholes. Perfect for Passover!
The Happy Injun Shoe: Featuring, in place of a traditional tongue, an actual tongue belonging to a long-dead Indian, as well as real Indian-scalp fringe at the ankles. Perfect to wear on your next casino outing!
The Homesick Baby Shoe: Featuring the wonderfully elastic, durable skin of aborted human fetuses. What the savvy lady will be wearing to every baby shower this season!
The Lucky Lady Shoe: Featuring tasteful, one-of-a-kind blood-splatter on every pair. When you walk, the heels squeak: “Shut up, bitch.” The perfect anniversary present for the woman in your life!
What do you guys reckon? Adidas Shackle Shoe: good clean fun? Or a police truncheon up the ass? Let me know in the comments section. You! Yeah…you! Leave a damn comment! Hot damn.
You ever just sit around and think about Father’s Day? I didn’t get a chance to until this morning, seeing as how yesterday I decided to spend the whole waking day and sleeping night with my son.
So today, in honor of dads everywhere, I’m offering up a copy of Lisa Duggan’s lovely “Parent Du Jour” interview of yours truly. See the interview in its more glorious original form on Lisa’s great, ParentDuJour.com, a site serving up one mom and one dad every day, 365 days of the year.
No friend to a raccoon
From “A DAD A DAY” by Lisa Duggan
AGE:Can’t recall… thirty-something?
HOMETOWN:Nowhereville, in the Deep, Dark South.
ON THE WEB:Clayton Diggs
NUMBER OF CHILDREN:One, though sometimes that one seems like a damn army.
DAY JOB:Unemployed / Getting hammered / Blogger slash writer
“Clayton Diggs currently has several books of fiction in the works, soon to be available for general consumption for Kindle, Nook, and on Audible.com. His writing, like his blogs, shows flashes of the dulled rapier wit that has made Southern humor famous throughout the land. At this moment, Clayton isn’t available for comment because he just blasted another damned raccoon and is trying to skin it. If you’re following him on Twitter, you know this to be true. If you’re savvy on skinning raccoons, please do send him a message, or tweet him on Twitter. He’s getting kind of desperate, and when he’s desperate he takes to drinking, and when he takes to drinking, he often ends up in jail, and even though the sheriff is his cousin and will release him in the morning, it’s still not an experience he’s real keen on.”
Clayton Diggs, The Parent Du Jour, Father’s Day
FAVORITE CHILDREN’S BOOK What children’s book is a favorite in your house and why? What book has made a great impact on you or your kids? Was there/ is there a story that was passed down from generation to generation?
Is the Bartender’s Bible a children’s book? I’m almost kidding.
But junior does love the hell out of the iPad version of the Three Little Pigs. When the damn wolf falls into the pot of boiling water, the boy giggles like a simple fool. It’s cute, but kind of creepy too. Just the other day he boiled a big pot of water in my chimney and then kind of casually suggested I try using the front door less and the chimney more.A story passed down from generation to generation? Well, I do tell junior about how his uncle Remus blew his damn self up with a homemade still, which isn’t so much a lesson about not doing illegal shit as it is a lesson about how you really shouldn’t smoke around highly flammable stuff. Man, we do miss that old boy, though. RIP, you idiot.
HOW DO YOU COMBINE WORK AND FAMILY?
I’ve got the boy four days of the week. Since I mostly just fix stuff around the property or diddle and fiddle around on the computer, I get to hang out with him the whole time I’ve got him, which is awesome. He’s a year and like eight months now, so he can walk and keep me company when I’m hammering in a fence post or he can pass me shotgun shells while I’m blasting a raccoon off the damn porch.
HOW HAS PARENTING CHANGED YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL?
I think it’s made me drink more. When I’m really blitzed I tend to forget about all the ways that I feel totally inadequate as a dad.
WHAT IS YOUR WORST PARENTING MOMENT?
Man, that’s a tough question. I guess it’s most every time when I imagine some stupid shit I did that could have gotten my kid maimed or killed. It’s amazing how many of those there are. Like, you leave a loaded bear trap just a little too close to the edge of the kitchen counter, you know?
WHAT IS YOUR BEST PARENTING MOMENT?
All the times I didn’t get the kid maimed or killed. We’ve got a pretty good streak going, and that’s cool.
“I’m so cute it hurts. I’m so damn sweet I make you seem like a bull’s scrotum. Yeehah!”
And here, as a gift to hardworking dads everywhere, is The Charlize Theron Butt Poll 3. Remember: be honest. It’s the only path to personal growth.
“Help me! It happens that I might be a bit too delicious. Tobey Maguire’s mouth tastes like Leo DiCaprio’s anus.”
In case you’ve been living in an outer-space cave for the last few weeks, here’s what this month’s sort-of-Alien-prequel, $130 million dollar blockbuster is about:
Charlize Theron, wearing a grey, overly manly Star Trek getup, plays the badass Corporate Leader of the space-exploration vessel Prometheus, emotes The Matrix’s Morpheus in her smugness, and says crap to her crew like: “My job is to make sure you do yours.”
Wait, Char…what’s the job? Is it spanking your fine behind with a light-saber? Sign me up! Hot damn! I’m sorry. I’m not!
Anyway, between harsh quips from hottie Theron and mounting sexual tension between laconic android-thing Michael Fassbender (the creepiest looking pederast-candidate in Hollywood) and female crewmate Noomi Rapace (Sweden’s Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) – prompting audiences to wonder about android genital design – Prometheus makes its inevitable way toward some planet where the slimy origins of humanity are thought to be hanging out, shooting the slime, so to speak.
It’s no surprise, of course, when the expedition goes horribly, slimily wrong. The only thing no one can explain to me though is why, when the Prometheus exploratory crew sees a weird cobra like creature slithering out of a slimy tree trunk thing, one of them decides it’s time to try and make friends with the local slime-life.
Promethean 1: “Look, it’s an adorable cobra slime-thing. It’s so cute how it’s hissing at me and bobbing its head menacingly.”
Promethean 2: “Um. Dude, I don’t thing that’s a good idea.”
Promethean 1: “Coochie-coochie-coo…”
Alien slime spore cobra, lunging, attaching itself to Promethean 1’s face: “Stupid human douchebag, now I’m going to eat your nuts.”
Promethean 1: “Aaaaaaargh! My nuts! It burns.”
Promethean 2: “Um. Dude, party foul. Now humanity is doomed to destruction. Total party foul. Um.”
You’ll never guess what happens next! The so clever Prometheus crew brings the slime monsters on board their floating space-home to see if they’ll make decent roommates. General disagreement ensues about what constitutes good roomie behavior. The humans, you see, feel that it’s rude of the slime monsters to invade a human body cavity and then rupture it from the inside like a bloody piñata. The slime monsters, for their part, politely insist that turning humans into exploding blood bombs of screaming misery is perfectly okay, kind of akin to borrowing a glass and milk from the communal space-fridge now and then. We can only hope they all find a way to make friends by the end of the pic, you know? It’s all about good-roomie communication!
Despite the fact that we’ve seen this exact space/horror thing a thousand times before, I’ve read that Prometheus serves up on a slimy platter a few surprises, such as the scene in which a woman performs a damn C-section on herself inside some kind of plastic auto-surgery tube. The surgery wound is closed up with big-ass metal staples and the slime-monster baby is gripped tight in a vise. Aww…how cute is that?
“It’s not exactly a traditional fetus,” says humanoid robot-thing Michael Fassbender (he’s chosen “Lawrence of Arabia”’s Peter O’Toole as his role model – for real). That is so funny! LOL! ROTFLMVAO! (Roll On The Floor Laugh My Vomiting Ass OFF!)
So yeah, I can’t wait to see this adorable sendup of MTV’s the Real World. It’s like the Real World, but in outer space. It’s The Real World, Aliens and Their Dumb Human Food.
Well, amigos, that’s it for this week. I’ll write another bit when I’ve seen Prometheus. Hmmm… why do I feel like I already have? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to down a couple Mint Juleps with my new, friendly, slime-monster neighbors. That shouldn’t be problem, right? I mean, how bad can it be to become an exploding blood bomb of human misery? Hey, you’ve gotta make nice with the neighbors, you know!
“Give me your fiery know-how, you gorgeous Promethean slime-monster, you!”
(Editor’s warning: clicking on links might lead you to some insanely funny shit. Or just to some informative shit. Depends on the link)
You ever just sit around and think about Mr. Rogers? I did recently when someone passed me a link to PBS Digital Studio’s autotuned video of Mr. Rogers singing “Garden of Your Mind.” Have you seen this thing? If not, put down whatever you’re doing and check it out. It’s an almost supernatural trip down memory lane, featuring some of Mr. Roger’s greatest moments, set to a tripped-out, synthed-up dance beat. I actually thought I must have downed a couple ‘ludes when I first saw it. Mr. Rogers, meet Bourbon and Xanax; Bourbon and Xanax, meet Mr. Rogers. Hot damn!
Remember Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood from when you were a damn rugrat? You probably remember him much the same way I do: walking into his little house, putting on his sneakers, slipping into a red cardigan, talking so slow and earnest you felt compelled to throw the bottle of moonshine your uncle Remus gave you for your tenth birthday at the TV, watching it shatter the screen, realizing you weren’t at all sober, then getting chased around the barnyard by your uncle who was getting chased around by your dad who was wielding a stick and screaming, “Remus, if you give my boy just one more bottle of ‘shine, so help me God I’m gonna hog-clip your nuts.” Man, it brings a tear to my eye.
Fred McFeely Rogers was born on March 20th, 1928, in Latrobe PA, just in time for the Great Depression and just a tad late to get his rocks off with some flapper hussy. Might account for why he never in all his years took a drink of liquor or had a smoke – don’t worry about it, Fred-o…nobody’s perfect.
Anyway, over the 75 years he was alive, he put on just about every kind of cardigan you can think of: he was an educator, a Presbyterian minister, a songwriter, and an author. Oh, and I forgot to mention, he was also a television host. He also testified before those fat assholes in Congress on behalf of funding for children’s television and public television in general (he actually pretty much saved both), was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom (the highest civilian honor available in the US, and pretty much equivalent to getting a cozy BJ from the Commander in Chief), a Peabody Award, and he was inducted into the Television Hall of Fame. Hot damn! Fuck you, Mr. Rogers! You’re making us all look bad! I’m sorry. I’m not! I am!
I’m sure you’ve heard all that before, but here’s some stuff about the most-eerily-calm-man-not-on-life-support you may not have known:
Koko the gorilla loved him so much that when he showed up at her place she’d hug him and take his shoes off. Rumor has it that after the cameras were off she may have taken off a lot more.
Even fucking criminals loved Mr. Rogers. Once, when his old Impala was stolen from the street near the TV station where he worked, he filed a police report that got picked up by every newspaper and radio show for a million miles. Less than two days later, his car popped up in the exact spot from where it had been taken, with a note taped to the dashboard, reading: “If we’d known it was yours, we never would have taken it. Also, we heard you were a tattooed navy sniper. If this is true, please don’t maim, torture, and kill us. We want to be your neighbors. Won’t you please, for the love of all that is holy, pretty-please be our neighbor?”
He composed all the songs on the show himself. All of them. He could play a mean jazz piano, whiskey or no whiskey. He wrote over 200 songs, including “Garden of Your Mind”, “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood”, and “No, I’m Not Gay. I Just Speak Slowly.”
He was color-blind. He couldn’t see the color blue – so when his wife, Sara, would give him blue balls, she was able to convince him that it was just his imagination. He was also color-blind when it came to folks in general. When he was a kid, his family adopted a black foster child. I have no idea how to make fun of that.
His dear old momma hand-knit every one of the cardigans he wore on his how. I have no idea how to make fun of that.
Mr. Rogers gets autotuned in “Garden of Your Mind”
What I found especially cool and interesting about Fred, apart from all the stuff just mentioned, is that he hated TV. He plain old hated it, but thought it might make a hell of a good medium for educating children, if handled properly, so he got involved in TV to make sure the job got done right. And just about right was how the old boy did just about everything. He took home over 40 honorary degrees in his life. Congress grew a big fat chubby in the presence of his divine good-heartedness. Presidents fawned over him.
But I think, as do folks who knew him well, that it wasn’t the big stuff that meant the most to Fred Rogers. It was the intelligence, kindness, and awareness he was able to bring to the lives of his many, many fans across several generations, kids and adults alike. And I think he was right about the potential for TV, and video in general, to reach out across time and space and touch our hearts and minds. My own son, just a year and a half old, already loves watching old Fred, and, unlike with so much other hog-shit that’s on TV, I’ve got no problems with my boy doing so whenever he damn well pleases.
Fred McFeely Rogers died of stomach cancer in 2003, at the age of 75, in Pittsburgh, PA. But, thanks to the communicative medium to which he brought so much integrity, his presence is still very much with us through the immortal power of memory as brought to life on a screen of any size. In “Garden of Your Mind” he asks a potent question, and provides an even more forceful answer: “Did you ever grown anything, in the garden of your mind? …all you have to do is think.”
I’m thinking, Fred. I’m thinking you were a hell of a fine human being. You made the collective mind-garden of humankind a more fertile soil for the development of all that is good, kind, and intelligent in our race. You were one of a damn kind. You sure will be missed.
I raise my glass of milk to you, Sir. I truly do.
“I’m so fucking nice I make you look like an asshole. But I love you.”