Clayton Diggs

(Editor’s note: clicking on links might lead to insanely amusing shit. Or just informative shit. Depends on the link)

Dear  Twisted Bastards and Bastardettes,

Today I serve up in a tall glass a special treat for your consumption: an exclusive interview with the lovely and talented Jenny Bolam Rauch, author of the now-famous, Freshly Pressed blog post “Seinfeld Episodes That Wouldn’t Work Today“, and author and Queen Bee of her own coffee-drenched, very engaging universe, AdorablyCaffeinated.com.  If you haven’t yet visited her blog, nor read the Seinfeld piece, then do so right the hell now.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

Pretty great, huh?

As soon as I read Ms. Rauch’s blog, I just knew I had to get her to answer a pile of obnoxious questions. She’s been very obliging in this capacity, entrusting her safe-passage through Claytonlandia to yours truly.  Enjoy the results of her incredible error in judgment.  Hot damn!

Amazingly, she has also been foolish enough to interview me and post the very questionable results of that mistake on AdorablyCaffeinated.com.  Visit her site today (and every day) to read her exclusive interview with The Sickest Man in Show Business, The Sultan of Twisted, The Father of Many: Mr. Clayton Diggs.  That’s me, by the way. Hot damn!

“Wee, look at me. I am cute and caffeinated. I have a tongue. So do my girlfriends.”

Interview with Jenny Bolam Rauch (a.k.a. Jenny Rauch, ‘just Jenny’, ‘Hey, hot-stuff’)

1. Why did you start blogging? Why won’t you stop?

I read the site HelloGiggles a lot, and one day (this past January) they posted that they were looking for someone to contribute a weekly column. I got really excited and wrote a few pieces to submit (one of which I made my first blog post) but I never heard back from them. I was super bummed, because I had had so much fun writing those pieces. When I realized how good it felt to write again, my friend Annie (who writes a lovely music blog over at hautethought.com) told me I should just start my own blog. So I did. And I don’t think I’ll stop because I just love writing. Plus, it’s comforting to know that people relate to the random craziness that goes on in my head, and I’m not just clinically deranged.

2. If you were a day of the week, which would it be and why?

Saturday. Specifically Saturday afternoon. It’s the most relaxing time in the week, because you have your whole evening and Sunday ahead of you, and you didn’t have to go to work.

3. What, besides coffee, inspires you? “My parents” isn’t an answer.

Everything inspires me. Anything from a really cool photograph, to an encounter with a stranger, a television show, a new haircut, or Call Me Maybe. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I write about some completely random shit.

4. Does Starbucks pay your rent? How much is your rent?

HA I wish they paid my rent—though I’ll settle for an unlimited Starbucks card. My rent is too much. Cost of living in DC is brutal. We are literally paying double of what my high school/college friends are paying in the Chicago area.

5. What inspired the famous “Seinfeld Episodes That Wouldn’t Work Today” post?

I actually originally wrote the inspiration in the post, but decided to take myself out of it a little more. Lucky I did, or I probably wouldn’t have gotten freshly pressed and we wouldn’t be having this conversation (?) right now. My sister was visiting, and while we were taking some time out of the sun, we were watching DVDs of season 2. I had had these thoughts before, just not at a time when I was blogging. I was sure I wasn’t the only one, so I decided to write about it.

6. Were you taken aback by the success it enjoyed? Are you now smug?

Honestly, I was taken aback a little bit. I had finished it really quickly before running off to a softball game and didn’t think it was my best work. The first time I was freshly pressed (for my breakup letter to How I Met Your Mother) it was humbling and exciting. This time it kind of made me hungry. Freshly pressed twice in less than five months? Yeah, maybe a little smug. Though [it’s more like]

‘more confident’ ☺

7. If you had to sleep with one Seinfeld character, whom would it be and why?

Well, not George because unlike Marisa Tomei, I’m not attracted to short bald men. Not Kramer, because well, just no. Jerry’s a little neurotic… I’m going to go with Elaine. She’d probably be best in the sack.

8. If you had to make out with a Starbucks coffee drink, which would it be and why?

Alex made me a drink one time that was half mocha, half white mocha, a little caramel and vanilla, and with half & half instead of regular milk. I can’t even describe to you how good it was. I wanted to marry it right in the store, and the way I slurped it up was basically a make-out session.

9. What’s your favorite movie? Justify your answer if necessary.

Crap. Umm. I love movies, so this is really hard for me. And it’s also hard to compare something like “Some Like It Hot” to “Can’t Hardly Wait” or “The Avengers”, all of which are amazing and very different. Ok. “America’s Sweethearts.” Final answer. I can’t help it. I know basically every line and I’m never not in a mood to watch it.

10. What’s your favorite color? Justify your answer no matter what.

Aqua. It looks great on me, and while I really love yellow, yellow sometimes gives me a headache and aqua never does.

11. If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, whom would it be and why? Remember: Vampires and Zombies are neither living nor dead, so they’re verboten.

Abraham Lincoln. I want to find out if he really hunted vampires. Or Oprah, because well, she’s Oprah.

12. Burnt to a crisp or bloody as hell?

I’m not sure I know what that means. If you’re referring to steak, I like mine to be mooing. If this is some sort of dirty code, then I plead the 5th.

13. Boxers or briefs?

Haha I asked you this too. I like to wear boxers. The bunchy feeling they give me under my jeggings is really soothing.

14. Taco salad or foot-long hotdog? Remember: pig anus is delicious.

I love hot dogs. And nothing you say can change my mind. I’m eating three at the Nationals game tonight. Whaddup.

15. Gandhi or Darth Vader? Remember: Gandhi is smug.

Darth Vader all the way. Imagine how much more headway Gandhi would’ve gotten if he had been able to choke the opposition with the power of his mind.

16. What do you make of Adidas Shackle Shoes? Funnier than slavery?

One of my co-workers actually thinks they were modeled after some toy he had called “My Pet Monster.” Maybe the Germans aren’t as racist as we all think.

17. What do you think of Charlize Theron’s derriere? Better than Cheez Whiz?

I think she has a mighty fine hiney.

18. What superpower would you most like to have and why?

I’ve actually given this a lot of thought before. Answer is, bar none, teleportation. It would be such a time-saver. I could’ve walked on the beach in the South of France and been back in the time it took me to answer these interview questions.

19. Why did the chicken cross the mega-highway? Being gay isn’t why!

Well being gay would be a very good reason, but only if there was only opposite-sex chickens on his side of the highway, and a gaggle of same-sex chickens on the other side. I’m going to get philosophical and say he crossed it “because it was there.” Much like Everest.

20. Have you found that this interview violated your personal space? P.S. Please withdraw the restraining order. I’m actually harmless, despite what my now-dead probation officer says.

I feel incredibly violated. In fact, I’m ending this interview right now.

“It hurts so good. Better than coffee. Better than sex.”