Clayton Diggs

4 out of 5 assholes hate Clayton

Category: Top 7

Anderson Cooper Gay, Tom Cruise Too, and Other Shockers

You ever just sit around and think about Anderson Cooper? I did recently when I saw the shocking news that the CNN anchor turns out to be…GAY!  Who saw that one coming? Later on, following his first announcement, Andy also came out as a body double for Casper the ghost, revealed that he was skinny, and turned folks on to the fact that he does not now, nor ever will, dye his hair white. Hot damn! Slow news day, anyone?

Anderson Cooper is a gay homosexual man

In related news, a rash of other celebrities have come out with their own startling revelations:

  1. Rush Limbaugh came out as a fat, deaf, drug-addicted hypocritical asshole who looks like a blubbery Mister Potato-Head.
  2. Larry King came out as a mummy and as “in all honesty dead for quite a while now.”
  3. George Burns came out as NOT dead, just really needing to take a break from all the touring and chain cigar-smoking.
  4. Tom Cruise came out as a gay, couch-jumping, big-toothed nut-job/compulsive giggler. (Please don’t kill me, Tom Cruise. I have a kid.)
  5. George Bush came out as Curious George, the Retarded Warmongering Monkey.
  6. Snooki came out as an alcoholic, rage-prone slut with a brain the size and consistency of a wasabi pea.
  7. Barack Obama came out as African… African-American, that is — motherfucker!

Can’t wait to hear more shocking news. Which reminds me, I think I’ll use this opportunity to come out as a whiskey-drinking mother-humpin’ redneck with scant tolerance for bigoted, Nazi-loving donkey-humpers. Kill the haters before they hate again! Hot damn!

What do you guys reckon?  Heard any other juicy celeb revelations?  Let me know in the comments section.  I’m always looking for a scoop.

“Yeah, I’m gay. What are you gonna do about it? Oh, you’re gonna suck my nuts about it? Well, that’s cool enough for school.”

Advertisements

What Do You Love Most About (Gay) Jesus? A Poll

Okay, since because a bunch of you asked for it — here’s the Gay Jesus Poll.  Jesus H. Christ, take it easy!  Hot damn.

“How do I feel about Armani’s fall line? Meh…”

Top 7 Reasons to Suspect Jesus May Have Been Gay

(Editor’s note: clicking on links can lead you to some crazy-offensive shit.  You’ve been warned.)

Look: if you have a problem with this list, chances are you’re not a very good Christian.  See, Jesus, if he ever did walk the Earth, totally loved everybody no matter what, something that a lot of so-called Christians have a hard time wrapping their tiny, dense, inbred, little minds around.  Oh, and don’t forget the famous quote from the New Testament, when Jesus says: “Thou shalt have a sense of humor.  If thou dost not have a sense of humor, thou can suck my holy chubby.”  Or something like that.

Top 7 Reasons to Suspect Jesus May Have Been Gay

  1. He was very well-muscled from long hours of stroking wood in his carpenter’s shop.
  2. He had really great hair.  It was very full bodied and never frizzy, indicating the use of some minty product.
  3. He  was excessively into the whole “bros before hoes” thing.
  4. He told a bunch of dudes to eat his body and drink his blood.  How gay is that?
  5. On the cross he was heard to cry out: “This shade of wood doesn’t match my eyes!”
  6. He never had sex with a woman.
  7. He never had sex with a woman.  Wait…did I already say that?  Well, I reckon it deserves saying twice.

Hot damn!

And by the way, The Guardian actually has a serious article about gay Jesus, which you can read here.

What do you guys think?  Was Jesus minty?  Was he as straight as Randy “Macho Man” Savage (register irony)?  Let me know in the comments section.  Remember: Jesus would want you to leave a comment.

“I’m not gay. I just really dislike hair pie. Okay. You got me. I’m gay.”

%d bloggers like this: