Clayton Diggs

(Editor’s note: Links may lead to some insanely funny shit, or just to some informative shit. Depends on the link.)

(Second Editor’s note: Jason Alexander’s real apology, fully un-edited, appears at the bottom of this article.  Please be sure to read it.  This article is intended as satire, and is not to be taken even remotely seriously by anyone, straight, gay, or otherwise.)

You ever just sit around and think about the sport of cricket? Seinfeld alum Jason Alexander did recently when he was on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson and here’s what went down:

Fergie: “Have you ever played cricket?  Cricket’s an amazing game.”

Jay-jay: “It’s a gay game. There’s a lot of people wearing white. People wearing helmets for no discernible reason…Everybody breaks for tea in the middle.”

Fergie:”Yeah, it’s a cross between baseball and Downton Abbey.”

Jay-Jay: “It’s the pitch. It’s the weirdest … . It’s not like a manly baseball pitch. It’s a queer, British gay pitch.”

Fergie: “Um.” (looking off camera at producer having a shit fit) “Eh, Jason, I’m not…”

Jay-Jay: “It’s the kind of pitch that almost always ends in weird gay anal exploration.”

Fergie: “Um.”

Jay-jay: “It’s the kind of pitch the guys in Brokeback Mountain would throw between queer make-out sessions and anal bead extraction.”

Fergie: “Uh, Jason, that’s not exactly accurate…”

Jay-jay: “You’re right, Fergie. Did I say Brokeback Mountain? I meant Broke-Ass Mountain! You know what I mean?  Yeah?” (extending hand for high five)

Did you guys not see this shit? The best part was where Jason Alexander stood up to demo the gay pitch, doing something that looked like a combo-tryout for the Martha Graham Dance Company and the Gay Men’s Chorus of New York. Hot damn! Gayness unleashed! Queer company! Hot damn!

The best was yet to come, though. The backlash to Jason’s gay comments, coming from GLAAD and other quarters, soon had him with his Shallow Hal vestigial tail tucked firmly between his short, chubby little legs. Here’s an excerpt from the apology he issued yesterday:

“I truly did not understand why a gay person would be particularly offended by this routine. I love queers. I have many queer, Broke-Ass Mountain friends who I love dearly, though not like that. Well, okay, just that once, but I was in college and that joint was spiked with meth.”

Jason Alexander apologizes for gay cricket

Seems he was troubled enough by the backlash to chat up some of his gay friends over Appletinis. He then realized why his comments had been so totally uncool and gay:

“At first, even [my gay friends] couldn’t quite find the offense in the bit. But as we explored it, we began to realize what was implied under the humor. I was basing my use of the word “gay” on the silly generalization that real men don’t do gentile, refined things and that my portrayal of the cricket pitch was pointedly effeminate, thereby suggesting that effeminate and gay were synonymous. I don’t believe this at all. Gay, especially when it’s named Kramer, or clad in leather, or accompanied by a riding crop, or as experienced anally by an aging, short actor, can be a truly manly and beautiful thing.

“It is not that we can’t laugh at and with each other. It is not a question of oversensitivity. The problem is that today, as I write this, young men and women whose behaviors, choices or attitudes are not deemed “man enough” or “normal” are being subjected to all kinds of abuse from verbal to physical to societal. They are being demeaned and threatened because they don’t fit the group’s idea of what a “real man” or a “real woman” are supposed to look like, act like and feel like. And that’s crap. Anal sex in general and girl-on-girl action in particular totally rock. I personally have an office equipped with stacks of tissue boxes and hand lotion that, over the weekend, has helped me get further in touch with this issue. I’ve taken, you could say, a very hands-on approach.

“For [gay] people, my building a joke upon the premise I did added to the pejorative stereotype that they are forced to deal with every day. It is at the very heart of this whole ugly world of bullying that has been getting rightful and overdue attention in the media. And with my well-intentioned comedy bit, I played right into those hurtful assumptions and diminishments. I would much rather play right into a nice, warm, lubricated asshole of manly affection and forgiveness.

“…I would like to say — I now get it. And to the extent that these jokes made anyone feel even more isolated or misunderstood or just plain hurt — please know that was not my intention, at all or ever. My intention was to gently caress the anal pleasure of brotherly understanding. Please forgive me. Please also stop writing my phone number in the bathroom stalls of gay nightclubs. Please. I can’t walk straight. I’m serious. My proctologist says it could actually kill me.”

What do you reckon? Think he’s sorry? To me it sounded like a pretty sincere apology, but word around the Boy Scouts of America campfire is that Jason’s got more planned by way of sorry. It’s rumored he might well go back on Craig Ferguson in a pink tutu, accompanied by Tom Cruise. Now that would be gay! Hot damn! I’m sorry! No I’m not. Hot damn!

(P.S. Tom Cruise: Please don’t kill me. I have a child. Pretty gay please?)

“The anus then distends, like so, in a very gay fashion.”

Jason Alexander’s full apology, uncut:

Last week, I made an appearance on the Craig Ferguson show – a wonderfully unstructured, truly spontaneous conversation show. No matter what anecdotes I think will be discussed, I have yet to find that Craig and I ever touch those subjects. Rather we head off onto one unplanned, loony topic after another. It’s great fun trying to keep up with him and I enjoy Craig immensely.

During the last appearance, we somehow wandered onto the topic of offbeat sports and he suddenly mentioned something about soccer and cricket. Now, I am not a stand-up comic. Stand up comics have volumes of time-tested material for every and all occasions. I, unfortunately, do not. However, I’ve done a far amount of public speaking and emceeing over the years so I do have a scattered bit, here and there.

Years ago, I was hosting comics in a touring show in Australia and one of the bits I did was talking about their sports versus American sports. I joked about how their rugby football made our football pale by comparison because it is a brutal, no holds barred sport played virtually without any pads, helmets or protection. And then I followed that with a bit about how, by comparison, their other big sport of cricket seemed so delicate and I used the phrase, “ a bit gay”. Well, it was all a laugh in Australia where it was seen as a joke about how little I understood cricket, which in fact is a very, very athletic sport. The routine was received well but, seeing as their isn’t much talk of cricket here in America, it hasn’t come up in years.

Until last week. When Craig mentioned cricket I thought, “oh, goody – I have a comic bit about cricket I can do. Won’t that be entertaining?”. And so I did a chunk of this old routine and again referred to cricket as kind of “gay” – talking about the all white uniforms that never seem to get soiled; the break they take for tea time with a formal tea cart rolled onto the field, etc. I also did an exaggerated demonstration of the rather unusual way they pitch the cricket ball which is very dance-like with a rather unusual and exaggerated arm gesture. Again, the routine seemed to play very well and I thought it had been a good appearance.

Shortly after that however, a few of my Twitter followers made me aware that they were both gay and offended by the joke. And truthfully, I could not understand why. I do know that humor always points to the peccadillos or absurdities or glaring generalities of some kind of group or another – short, fat, bald, blonde, ethnic, smart, dumb, rich, poor, etc. It is hard to tell any kind of joke that couldn’t be seen as offensive to someone. But I truly did not understand why a gay person would be particularly offended by this routine.

However, troubled by the reaction of some, I asked a few of my gay friends about it. And at first, even they couldn’t quite find the offense in the bit. But as we explored it, we began to realize what was implied under the humor. I was basing my use of the word “gay” on the silly generalization that real men don’t do gentile, refined things and that my portrayal of the cricket pitch was pointedly effeminate , thereby suggesting that effeminate and gay were synonymous.

But what we really got down to is quite serious. It is not that we can’t laugh at and with each other. It is not a question of oversensitivity. The problem is that today, as I write this, young men and women whose behaviors, choices or attitudes are not deemed “man enough” or “normal” are being subjected to all kinds of abuse from verbal to physical to societal. They are being demeaned and threatened because they don’t fit the group’s idea of what a “real man” or a “real woman” are supposed to look like, act like and feel like.

For these people, my building a joke upon the premise I did added to the pejorative stereotype that they are forced to deal with everyday. It is at the very heart of this whole ugly world of bullying that has been getting rightful and overdue attention in the media. And with my well-intentioned comedy bit, I played right into those hurtful assumptions and diminishments.

And the worst part is – I should know better. My daily life is filled with gay men and women, both socially and professionally. I am profoundly aware of the challenges these friends of mine face and I have openly advocated on their behalf. Plus, in my own small way, I have lived some of their experience. Growing up in the ‘70’s in a town that revered it’s school sports and athletes, I was quite the outsider listening to my musical theater albums, studying voice and dance and spending all my free time on the stage. Many of the same taunts and jeers and attitudes leveled at young gay men and women were thrown at me and on occasion I too was met with violence or the threat of violence.

So one might think that all these years later I might be able to intuit that my little cricket routine could make some person who has already been made to feel alien and outcast feel even worse or add to the conditions that create their alienation. But in this instance, I did not make the connection. I didn’t get it.

So, I would like to say – I now get it. And to the extent that these jokes made anyone feel even more isolated or misunderstood or just plain hurt – please know that was not my intention, at all or ever. I hope we will someday live in a society where we are so accepting of each other that we can all laugh at jokes like these and know that there is no malice or diminishment intended.

But we are not there yet.

So, I can only apologize and I do. In comedy, timing is everything. And when a group of people are still fighting so hard for understanding, acceptance, dignity and essential rights – the time for some kinds of laughs has not yet come. I hope my realization brings some comfort.

Thanks,

Jason