Clayton Diggs

You ever just sit around and think about your smartphone? I did, recently, when I finally broke the hell down and bought an iPhone and then I thought about how much I’d hate it if someone stole the damn thing. I mean, hot damn, have you ever had your cell phone stolen by some dickless piece of shit? If you have, then you know the plain anger, boiling rage, and damn impotence that can make you feel. I mean, let’s be honest: these days, we don’t use our smartphones; our smartphones use us. And once you get used to having one… well, like they say: “Once you go smartphone, you don’t go back.” Why? Because the smartphone’s just so much bigger, so much longer, so much thicker than a regular phone. Hot damn! I’m sorry. No I’m not.

So, if some ass-clown did steal my iPhone, I know I’d sure like to make the dickless thief’s life a living hell.

iPhone owner and Disney cruiser Katy McCaffrey lived my dream just recently, and she did it with her own smarts and with the clever tech that goes into an iPhone.

See, last month, when Katy was on a Disney cruise she realized her phone had grown legs and walked away. Maybe Goofy had gotten hopped up on cheap weed and nabbed it to download doggy porn? No way to know, and poor old Katy figured that guessing about the sex life of cartoon dogs would be as close to getting her phone back as she’d come.

But check this out:

All of a sudden, photos taken by the dickless asshole thief were syncing up with Katy’s Apple iCloud account. There was the son of a bitch, posing with his fat, beat to shit girlfriend, posing with Disney employees, dudes hugging trash cans and shit. Repulsive. Pathetic. Hot damn! And that girl of his… man, I don’t want to be mean, but she looks like she got trampled by a pack of rabid bison and then got violated by a grizzly bear. Hot damn! I’m sorry! I’m not! The hell with you, whore of dickless thief! Wow. What’s wrong with me? Too much bourbon yet never enough!

There’s more. See, Katy did something right clever. She decided to Facebook the photo evidence of the dickless asshole’s criminal activity, calling her gallery “Stolen iPhone Adventures” and, like TIME magazine reports, she even attached funny captions to the pics to attract more attention. My favorite is one in which a friend of the dickless wonder poses like an asshole in white work clothes, mugging for the camera, his hands on a trash container like he’s gonna hump it without buying it dinner.

In the end, Katy hit pay snatch: a pic of a Disney employee badge, first name “Nelson,” plain as day.

Then Katy made her album public and it was shared more than 3,000 times. Folks at Disney confirm that they got Katy’s phone back and also that that dickless asshole Nelson is on “administrative leave,” which we can only hope means they’re cutting him up with a sword and feeding him to fucking sharks. Katy said on MSNBC that she’s real keen on Disneyland passes…say, for like ever. Speaking for Disney Cruise, manager of public affairs Rebecca Peddie said that they’re “working on making it right with her.” Make it right, Ms. Peddie! Your name makes it sound like you come from a long line of fucking pedophiles, but make it right!

You just gotta love to see justice served in such a cool, satisfying way. Not only was the the dickless Nelson nabbed and punished, but publicly humiliated to boot, no doubt bruising his dickless asshole ego something fierce. So damn funny. Of course, if Nelson had a brain any bigger than a retarded squirrel’s, he might have scampered out of trouble by just wiping the phone clean before using it. Memo to Nelson: you’re a dickless asshole and an idiot, too! Hot damn! I’m sorry! I’m not.

Talk to me people. Have you, or someone you love, had an experience like Katy’s? I did, before smartphones were around, when some jackass dude nabbed my Nokia at a bar. Verizon wouldn’t let me see the numbers the fucker was calling, spun me some horseshit “security” crap, but luckily the bar had cameras and the thief was spotted and chucked in the clink. Good times. Unfortunately, the fucker was my third cousin, but I still beat the hell out of him in his cell. I think I may have used a chair. I don’t remember! Hot damn! I’m sorry! I wasn’t totally sober.

Tell me your story, readers. Tell me about your stolen cell phone and sweet revenge. And remember: Revenge is a dish best served with a shotgun.

“I’m a dickless asshole. I dig humping trash cans.”