Clayton Diggs

4 out of 5 assholes hate Clayton

Tag: sex

Anderson Cooper Gay, Tom Cruise Too, and Other Shockers

You ever just sit around and think about Anderson Cooper? I did recently when I saw the shocking news that the CNN anchor turns out to be…GAY!  Who saw that one coming? Later on, following his first announcement, Andy also came out as a body double for Casper the ghost, revealed that he was skinny, and turned folks on to the fact that he does not now, nor ever will, dye his hair white. Hot damn! Slow news day, anyone?

Anderson Cooper is a gay homosexual man

In related news, a rash of other celebrities have come out with their own startling revelations:

  1. Rush Limbaugh came out as a fat, deaf, drug-addicted hypocritical asshole who looks like a blubbery Mister Potato-Head.
  2. Larry King came out as a mummy and as “in all honesty dead for quite a while now.”
  3. George Burns came out as NOT dead, just really needing to take a break from all the touring and chain cigar-smoking.
  4. Tom Cruise came out as a gay, couch-jumping, big-toothed nut-job/compulsive giggler. (Please don’t kill me, Tom Cruise. I have a kid.)
  5. George Bush came out as Curious George, the Retarded Warmongering Monkey.
  6. Snooki came out as an alcoholic, rage-prone slut with a brain the size and consistency of a wasabi pea.
  7. Barack Obama came out as African… African-American, that is — motherfucker!

Can’t wait to hear more shocking news. Which reminds me, I think I’ll use this opportunity to come out as a whiskey-drinking mother-humpin’ redneck with scant tolerance for bigoted, Nazi-loving donkey-humpers. Kill the haters before they hate again! Hot damn!

What do you guys reckon?  Heard any other juicy celeb revelations?  Let me know in the comments section.  I’m always looking for a scoop.

“Yeah, I’m gay. What are you gonna do about it? Oh, you’re gonna suck my nuts about it? Well, that’s cool enough for school.”

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Social Media Explained, Your Mother Gets Eaten, and WTF?

Here, at last, for those of you out there who aren’t yet savvy about social media, is the definitive explanation of the most popular networks.  Oh, and your mother says “thanks.”

Social media explained

“Upshot: Your mother is tired…but she feels absolutely GREAT.”

What do you guys reckon about social media?  Give me your thoughts in the comments section below.  Don’t forget to mention your mother. Hot damn!

What Do You Love Most About (Gay) Jesus? A Poll

Okay, since because a bunch of you asked for it — here’s the Gay Jesus Poll.  Jesus H. Christ, take it easy!  Hot damn.

“How do I feel about Armani’s fall line? Meh…”

Top 7 Reasons to Suspect Jesus May Have Been Gay

(Editor’s note: clicking on links can lead you to some crazy-offensive shit.  You’ve been warned.)

Look: if you have a problem with this list, chances are you’re not a very good Christian.  See, Jesus, if he ever did walk the Earth, totally loved everybody no matter what, something that a lot of so-called Christians have a hard time wrapping their tiny, dense, inbred, little minds around.  Oh, and don’t forget the famous quote from the New Testament, when Jesus says: “Thou shalt have a sense of humor.  If thou dost not have a sense of humor, thou can suck my holy chubby.”  Or something like that.

Top 7 Reasons to Suspect Jesus May Have Been Gay

  1. He was very well-muscled from long hours of stroking wood in his carpenter’s shop.
  2. He had really great hair.  It was very full bodied and never frizzy, indicating the use of some minty product.
  3. He  was excessively into the whole “bros before hoes” thing.
  4. He told a bunch of dudes to eat his body and drink his blood.  How gay is that?
  5. On the cross he was heard to cry out: “This shade of wood doesn’t match my eyes!”
  6. He never had sex with a woman.
  7. He never had sex with a woman.  Wait…did I already say that?  Well, I reckon it deserves saying twice.

Hot damn!

And by the way, The Guardian actually has a serious article about gay Jesus, which you can read here.

What do you guys think?  Was Jesus minty?  Was he as straight as Randy “Macho Man” Savage (register irony)?  Let me know in the comments section.  Remember: Jesus would want you to leave a comment.

“I’m not gay. I just really dislike hair pie. Okay. You got me. I’m gay.”

Jenny Rauch Interview, Seinfeld Episodes That Wouldn’t Work Today, and Coffee

(Editor’s note: clicking on links might lead to insanely amusing shit. Or just informative shit. Depends on the link)

Dear  Twisted Bastards and Bastardettes,

Today I serve up in a tall glass a special treat for your consumption: an exclusive interview with the lovely and talented Jenny Bolam Rauch, author of the now-famous, Freshly Pressed blog post “Seinfeld Episodes That Wouldn’t Work Today“, and author and Queen Bee of her own coffee-drenched, very engaging universe, AdorablyCaffeinated.com.  If you haven’t yet visited her blog, nor read the Seinfeld piece, then do so right the hell now.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

Pretty great, huh?

As soon as I read Ms. Rauch’s blog, I just knew I had to get her to answer a pile of obnoxious questions. She’s been very obliging in this capacity, entrusting her safe-passage through Claytonlandia to yours truly.  Enjoy the results of her incredible error in judgment.  Hot damn!

Amazingly, she has also been foolish enough to interview me and post the very questionable results of that mistake on AdorablyCaffeinated.com.  Visit her site today (and every day) to read her exclusive interview with The Sickest Man in Show Business, The Sultan of Twisted, The Father of Many: Mr. Clayton Diggs.  That’s me, by the way. Hot damn!

“Wee, look at me. I am cute and caffeinated. I have a tongue. So do my girlfriends.”

Interview with Jenny Bolam Rauch (a.k.a. Jenny Rauch, ‘just Jenny’, ‘Hey, hot-stuff’)

1. Why did you start blogging? Why won’t you stop?

I read the site HelloGiggles a lot, and one day (this past January) they posted that they were looking for someone to contribute a weekly column. I got really excited and wrote a few pieces to submit (one of which I made my first blog post) but I never heard back from them. I was super bummed, because I had had so much fun writing those pieces. When I realized how good it felt to write again, my friend Annie (who writes a lovely music blog over at hautethought.com) told me I should just start my own blog. So I did. And I don’t think I’ll stop because I just love writing. Plus, it’s comforting to know that people relate to the random craziness that goes on in my head, and I’m not just clinically deranged.

2. If you were a day of the week, which would it be and why?

Saturday. Specifically Saturday afternoon. It’s the most relaxing time in the week, because you have your whole evening and Sunday ahead of you, and you didn’t have to go to work.

3. What, besides coffee, inspires you? “My parents” isn’t an answer.

Everything inspires me. Anything from a really cool photograph, to an encounter with a stranger, a television show, a new haircut, or Call Me Maybe. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I write about some completely random shit.

4. Does Starbucks pay your rent? How much is your rent?

HA I wish they paid my rent—though I’ll settle for an unlimited Starbucks card. My rent is too much. Cost of living in DC is brutal. We are literally paying double of what my high school/college friends are paying in the Chicago area.

5. What inspired the famous “Seinfeld Episodes That Wouldn’t Work Today” post?

I actually originally wrote the inspiration in the post, but decided to take myself out of it a little more. Lucky I did, or I probably wouldn’t have gotten freshly pressed and we wouldn’t be having this conversation (?) right now. My sister was visiting, and while we were taking some time out of the sun, we were watching DVDs of season 2. I had had these thoughts before, just not at a time when I was blogging. I was sure I wasn’t the only one, so I decided to write about it.

6. Were you taken aback by the success it enjoyed? Are you now smug?

Honestly, I was taken aback a little bit. I had finished it really quickly before running off to a softball game and didn’t think it was my best work. The first time I was freshly pressed (for my breakup letter to How I Met Your Mother) it was humbling and exciting. This time it kind of made me hungry. Freshly pressed twice in less than five months? Yeah, maybe a little smug. Though [it’s more like]

‘more confident’ ☺

7. If you had to sleep with one Seinfeld character, whom would it be and why?

Well, not George because unlike Marisa Tomei, I’m not attracted to short bald men. Not Kramer, because well, just no. Jerry’s a little neurotic… I’m going to go with Elaine. She’d probably be best in the sack.

8. If you had to make out with a Starbucks coffee drink, which would it be and why?

Alex made me a drink one time that was half mocha, half white mocha, a little caramel and vanilla, and with half & half instead of regular milk. I can’t even describe to you how good it was. I wanted to marry it right in the store, and the way I slurped it up was basically a make-out session.

9. What’s your favorite movie? Justify your answer if necessary.

Crap. Umm. I love movies, so this is really hard for me. And it’s also hard to compare something like “Some Like It Hot” to “Can’t Hardly Wait” or “The Avengers”, all of which are amazing and very different. Ok. “America’s Sweethearts.” Final answer. I can’t help it. I know basically every line and I’m never not in a mood to watch it.

10. What’s your favorite color? Justify your answer no matter what.

Aqua. It looks great on me, and while I really love yellow, yellow sometimes gives me a headache and aqua never does.

11. If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, whom would it be and why? Remember: Vampires and Zombies are neither living nor dead, so they’re verboten.

Abraham Lincoln. I want to find out if he really hunted vampires. Or Oprah, because well, she’s Oprah.

12. Burnt to a crisp or bloody as hell?

I’m not sure I know what that means. If you’re referring to steak, I like mine to be mooing. If this is some sort of dirty code, then I plead the 5th.

13. Boxers or briefs?

Haha I asked you this too. I like to wear boxers. The bunchy feeling they give me under my jeggings is really soothing.

14. Taco salad or foot-long hotdog? Remember: pig anus is delicious.

I love hot dogs. And nothing you say can change my mind. I’m eating three at the Nationals game tonight. Whaddup.

15. Gandhi or Darth Vader? Remember: Gandhi is smug.

Darth Vader all the way. Imagine how much more headway Gandhi would’ve gotten if he had been able to choke the opposition with the power of his mind.

16. What do you make of Adidas Shackle Shoes? Funnier than slavery?

One of my co-workers actually thinks they were modeled after some toy he had called “My Pet Monster.” Maybe the Germans aren’t as racist as we all think.

17. What do you think of Charlize Theron’s derriere? Better than Cheez Whiz?

I think she has a mighty fine hiney.

18. What superpower would you most like to have and why?

I’ve actually given this a lot of thought before. Answer is, bar none, teleportation. It would be such a time-saver. I could’ve walked on the beach in the South of France and been back in the time it took me to answer these interview questions.

19. Why did the chicken cross the mega-highway? Being gay isn’t why!

Well being gay would be a very good reason, but only if there was only opposite-sex chickens on his side of the highway, and a gaggle of same-sex chickens on the other side. I’m going to get philosophical and say he crossed it “because it was there.” Much like Everest.

20. Have you found that this interview violated your personal space? P.S. Please withdraw the restraining order. I’m actually harmless, despite what my now-dead probation officer says.

I feel incredibly violated. In fact, I’m ending this interview right now.

“It hurts so good. Better than coffee. Better than sex.”

The Charlize Theron Butt Poll 4

My sincerest apologies to some, but a bunch of undersexed Internet monkeys have asked for this… so here it is:

The Charlize Theron Butt Poll 4

“Prepare for an ass-Supernova. Tobey Maguire’s mouth tastes like Leo DiCaprio’s toes.”

30 Kids, a Hatchett Man, and the Hokey-Pokey

You ever just sit around and think about fathering kids? Desmond Hatchett, a 33 year-old dude from Tennessee did, and a lot by the look of things, because he ended up with 30 rug-rats. Hot damn, man, you’re on fire! I mean, how the hell in a hoot-a-nanny do you father 30 damn kids? Okay, so maybe that’s not exactly the right question, seeing as how the answer’s as plain as pie. I mean, what the hell where you thinking, dude, when you fathered 30…hang, on, wrong question again…I’m pretty sure we know what he was thinking.

He was thinking about the Hokey-Pokey, right? He put his third leg in, he took his third leg out, he put his third leg in, and shaked it all about. He did the Hokey-Pokey and he turned himself into a dude who’s gotta pay child support to 11 women. Tell you what, that’s a “Hatchett” job if I ever heard of one. I mean, this dude’s been hacking away at this for years. I mean, he’s taken a lot of whacks at being a father.  I mean…okay, enough of that.

Thing about the child support is, seeing as how the Hatchett man only makes minimum wage, a lot of the moms are only getting like $1.49 a month, which last time I checked was enough to buy a pack of diapers….circa, about 1945. And isn’t word getting around the neighborhood about this guy?  I mean, mothers, lock up your daughters when you see the Hatchett man coming.

And here’s the really crazy part: the Hatchett man’s oldest kid is only 14. That means he’s averaged better than two kids and two moms for the past 14 years. The guy’s setting up franchises, trouble being that they don’t make money. And when they asked him how it all happened he said: “I put the third leg in, I take the third leg out…” Actually, the dude said he hit the big 3-oh because: “I had four kids in the same year. Twice.” Okay, Hatchett man, that covers eight of the little buggers. What about the other 22? I mean, that’s two soccer teams, football offense and defense. Jesus wept. And when he did, Desmond Hatchett got hot and bothered and found lucky lady 12, no doubt. What the hell!

Despite the fact that Hatchett man’s been to court over child support a bunch, it seems the state can’t shut down his factory. He hasn’t broken any laws, aside from being a total blithering-jackass-pistoning-jackrabbit of human being. So remember, kids, don’t be a Hatchett man. Wrap your junk up. Use a rubber, man. Got no rubber? Shit, grab a plastic bag, Saran-wrap, whatever, a bologna sandwich, whatever. Hot damn!

“Oh…Desmond…Hokey-Pokey me!” 

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