Gateway Sexual Activity, Governors, and Shitbirds

You ever just sit around and think about politics? I did recently and it made me want to puke. Now normally I don’t like to get real political, but every once in a while something comes along that’s so plain damn stupid that I don’t even reckon it’s got any business being in the news or anywhere else.

Did you see the story on “gateway sexual activity”? and the Sex Education Bill the Governor of Tennessee just signed into law? Check it out: A bill that puts a gag order on talking about sex? Do we really want to make it so our kids know absolutely nothing about how kids are made? How fucked the hell up is that? That dude must be smoking ground bull nuts (not that I’d know anything about that but my cousin Clem swears by it as a way to unwind from his sewage treatment gig)!

I saw Stephen Colbert talking about the bill on “The Colbert Report” and laughed my ass off when he said: “Kissing and hugging are the last stop before reaching Groin Central Station, so it’s important to ban all the things that lead to the things that lead to sex.” Indeed! And now teachers in Tennessee are worried as hell that they can’t even talk about sex in school without facing $500 fines and suspensions. Guess they’d better avoid talking about “asthma” in health class because it’s got the word “ass” in it. Remind me to steer clear of Tennessee. What the fuck, right?

And you gotta love the advice proponents of the bill give about sex in general, which is “just don’t think about it.” Do you remember being a fourteen year-old boy? I do – hell, I still am that boy – and I remember thinking about tits and ass and touching stuff about four hundred times a day and if some asshole Governor had told me to just “not think about it” and to avoid “gateway sexual activity” I’d probably tell him to shove it sideways into his own damn gateway. Think about that, Governor. The whole damn thing just reeks to high heaven of the Taliban, Afghanistan, Iran, and that book by that Canadian woman, Atwood, called “The Handmaid’s Tale.” See, in the book, the Middle East has taken over the USA and everywhere else and nobody gets to get laid anymore except these sex slaves called Handmaids who get fucked by their male owners while the owners’ wives hold them down. Sounds really kinky but I don’t think I’d be into it. How about you, Governor Bill (willy) Haslam of Tennessee (hmmm…Haslam sounds a lot like Islam… coincidence?)? Is that your kind of thing, you retrograde, Taliban-loving shit-bird?

So this week, in protest of shit like this, let’s all get out there and engage in as much good old fashioned “gateway sexual activity” as we can. It’s our civic duty. It’s about survival of the damn species. It’s about good times and lying out under the stars with a good woman and not feeling bad about it. Hot damn!

Governor Bill Haslam: “I am a shitbird. I enjoy fat Taliban cock.”