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Tag: juleps

Prometheus, Charlize Theron’s Spacey Butt, and Blood Piñatas

(Editor’s note: clicking on links might lead to insanely amusing schlitz.  Or just informative schlitz.  Depends on the link)

You ever just sit around and think about aliens? I did recently, when I heard talk of the new Ridley Scott flic, Prometheus. Haven’t seen it yet, but hot damn! it looks like a wacky ride!

And I’m not just talking about  Charlize Theron’s very fine derrière, which, despite Pulp Fiction’s Marcelus Wallace’s admonitions about asses to the contrary, has aged like a very fine wine, and not at all turned to vinegar (well, unless she hasn’t showered in a few days).

In case you’ve been living in an outer-space cave for the last few weeks, here’s what this month’s sort-of-Alien-prequel, $130 million dollar blockbuster is about:

Charlize Theron, wearing a grey, overly manly Star Trek getup, plays the badass Corporate Leader of the space-exploration vessel Prometheus, emotes The Matrix’s Morpheus in her smugness, and says crap to her crew like: “My job is to make sure you do yours.”

Wait, Char…what’s the job? Is it spanking your fine behind with a light-saber? Sign me up! Hot damn! I’m sorry. I’m not!

Anyway, between harsh quips from hottie Theron and mounting sexual tension between laconic android-thing Michael Fassbender (the creepiest looking pederast-candidate in Hollywood) and female crewmate Noomi Rapace (Sweden’s Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) – prompting audiences to wonder about android genital design – Prometheus makes its inevitable way toward some planet where the slimy origins of humanity are thought to be hanging out, shooting the slime, so to speak.

It’s no surprise, of course, when the expedition goes horribly, slimily wrong. The only thing no one can explain to me though is why, when the Prometheus exploratory crew sees a weird cobra like creature slithering out of a slimy tree trunk thing, one of them decides it’s time to try and make friends with the local slime-life.

Promethean 1: “Look, it’s an adorable cobra slime-thing. It’s so cute how it’s hissing at me and bobbing its head menacingly.”

Promethean 2: “Um. Dude, I don’t thing that’s a good idea.”

Promethean 1: “Coochie-coochie-coo…”

Alien slime spore cobra, lunging, attaching itself to Promethean 1’s face: “Stupid human douchebag, now I’m going to eat your nuts.”

Promethean 1: “Aaaaaaargh! My nuts! It burns.”

Promethean 2: “Um. Dude, party foul. Now humanity is doomed to destruction. Total party foul. Um.”

You’ll never guess what happens next! The so clever Prometheus crew brings the slime monsters on board their floating space-home to see if they’ll make decent roommates. General disagreement ensues about what constitutes good roomie behavior. The humans, you see, feel that it’s rude of the slime monsters to invade a human body cavity and then rupture it from the inside like a bloody piñata. The slime monsters, for their part, politely insist that turning humans into exploding blood bombs of screaming misery is perfectly okay, kind of akin to borrowing a glass and milk from the communal space-fridge now and then. We can only hope they all find a way to make friends by the end of the pic, you know? It’s all about good-roomie communication!

Despite the fact that we’ve seen this exact space/horror thing a thousand times before, I’ve read that Prometheus serves up on a slimy platter a few surprises, such as the scene in which a woman performs a damn C-section on herself inside some kind of plastic auto-surgery tube. The surgery wound is closed up with big-ass metal staples and the slime-monster baby is gripped tight in a vise. Aww…how cute is that?

“It’s not exactly a traditional fetus,” says humanoid robot-thing Michael Fassbender (he’s chosen “Lawrence of Arabia”’s Peter O’Toole as his role model – for real). That is so funny! LOL! ROTFLMVAO! (Roll On The Floor Laugh My Vomiting Ass OFF!)

So yeah, I can’t wait to see this adorable sendup of MTV’s the Real World. It’s like the Real World, but in outer space. It’s The Real World, Aliens and Their Dumb Human Food.

LOL! ROTFLMVAO!

Well, amigos, that’s it for this week. I’ll write another bit when I’ve seen Prometheus. Hmmm… why do I feel like I already have? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to down a couple Mint Juleps with my new, friendly, slime-monster neighbors. That shouldn’t be problem, right? I mean, how bad can it be to become an exploding blood bomb of human misery? Hey, you’ve gotta make nice with the neighbors, you know!

“Give me your fiery know-how, you gorgeous Promethean slime-monster, you!”

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The Kentucky Derby, Loan Crooks, and Burgoo!

Did you ever just sit around and think about the Kentucky Derby? I did today, because today was the running of the Kentucky Derby. Horses, girls in hats, low cut dresses, Bourbon juleps, betting – it’s the American way! Yeehah!

I can’t really afford to get out to Churchill Downs this year, but the least I could do was sit on the couch with my kid and slam juleps and yell stuff at the screen. Funny thing: “I’ll Have Another” won the damn race. I’ll have another too, if you don’t mind! And another!

That little three-year-old thoroughbred sure can move. Did you hear? The little chestnut colt sold for $11,000! 11 grand? That’s what owner J. Paul Reddam spends in a week on hookers to help him forget about all the American families his loan company was “forced” to throw out into street in the middle of a blizzard (Reddam used to own DiTech, sold it for a trillion bucks, and now is in the biz of raping homeowners and their kids with a company called CashCall, if you can fuckin’ believe it – also, he feasts on children’s kidneys every Sunday)! 11 grand? That’s the kind of money that J. Paul Reddam spends on diamond tie-pins! That’s the kind of money that J. Paul Reddam… anyway, enough of that. It’s cheap for the sonofabitch.

You see what that guy said about racing? Check it out: “Every once in a while, something good happens, and that keeps you gambling, buying horses, what have you” (ReadAnd what have you, Paulie? As in subprime-mortgage loans designed to drive hardworking American families into foreclosure? As in the giant sucking sound of your bloated ass gobbling the college funds of kids all over America. Hell yeah? What have you! Another day at the races, folks. God Bless America.

But I do love the races. The Derby’s been run continually since like 1875! There’s juleps and there’s burgoo! Burgoo to you too. It’s a thick stew of beef, chicken, pork, goat, elephant, dolphin, bald eagle, and veggies. It’s delicious.  Check out my recipe for burgoo here: https://claytondiggs.wordpress.com/recipes/. It’s a melting pot, just like the good old U.S. of A. And there’s jockeys! Dudes the size of a six year old who weigh like 100 pounds covered in tar and eat three carrots and a stick of celery once a week and never touch burgoo, not even once. And the jockey who won it this year, Mr. Mario Gutierrez, a 25-year-old kid from Veracruz, Mexico. Word is that Mario was paid just as well for his work as most other Mexican’s get paid for theirs; that’s to say, J. Paul Reddam gave him a home loan right before he foreclosed on the guy’s six kids and had him deported back to Juarez for not having his papers in order. Yeehah! Enjoy.

So yeah, it was a good time had by all, but especially by that champ, Mr. J. Paul Reddam. Sure hope he wins big at the Preakness and at the Belmont. Can’t ever have too many shady loan companies in America. For now, anyway, me and the kid are just gonna chill here on the couch until J. Paul shows up to repossess it. It’s another damn day at the races and I couldn’t be any happier!

“Beat that horse, little Mexican. Do it for J. Paul Reddam!”

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