Clayton Diggs
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Tag: jesus
June 25, 2012
Top 7 Reasons to Suspect Jesus May Have Been Gay
(Editor’s note: clicking on links can lead you to some crazy-offensive shit. You’ve been warned.)
Look: if you have a problem with this list, chances are you’re not a very good Christian. See, Jesus, if he ever did walk the Earth, totally loved everybody no matter what, something that a lot of so-called Christians have a hard time wrapping their tiny, dense, inbred, little minds around. Oh, and don’t forget the famous quote from the New Testament, when Jesus says: “Thou shalt have a sense of humor. If thou dost not have a sense of humor, thou can suck my holy chubby.” Or something like that.
Top 7 Reasons to Suspect Jesus May Have Been Gay
- He was very well-muscled from long hours of stroking wood in his carpenter’s shop.
- He had really great hair. It was very full bodied and never frizzy, indicating the use of some minty product.
- He was excessively into the whole “bros before hoes” thing.
- He told a bunch of dudes to eat his body and drink his blood. How gay is that?
- On the cross he was heard to cry out: “This shade of wood doesn’t match my eyes!”
- He never had sex with a woman.
- He never had sex with a woman. Wait…did I already say that? Well, I reckon it deserves saying twice.
Hot damn!
And by the way, The Guardian actually has a serious article about gay Jesus, which you can read here.
What do you guys think? Was Jesus minty? Was he as straight as Randy “Macho Man” Savage (register irony)? Let me know in the comments section. Remember: Jesus would want you to leave a comment.
“I’m not gay. I just really dislike hair pie. Okay. You got me. I’m gay.”
June 19, 2012
Adidas Shackle Shoes, German Humor, and Jesse Jackson
(Editor’s note: clicking on links might lead to insanely amusing schlitz. Or some horrific/informative schlitz. Depends on the link)
You ever just sit around and think about German sneaker-maker Adidas? I did, recently, when I came across a cute little idea those wacky Europeans had: a sneaker with prison-orange shackles that wrap around the wearer’s ankles.
“Uproariously tasteful, just like a Jesus-man-flesh sandwich.”
Now I know what you’re thinking: Who the heck could this possibly offend? Just because the shoes are obviously marketed to young black dudes, and just because black folks have endured rape, torture, and enslavement at the hands of white folks, and just because Germans haven’t always been awesome in terms of their human rights record, and just because the first thing you think of when you see the #@$!ing shoes is @#!$ing Kunta Kinte and whip-scarred backs and dead black folks on slave ships — well that’s no reason why anyone should be offended…right? Hot damn!
Among those not super-amused by Adidas was Jesse Jackson. In a statement, he said:
“The attempt to commercialize and make popular more than 200 years of human degradation, where blacks were considered three-fifths human by our Constitution is offensive, appalling and insensitive. Removing the chains from our ankles and placing them on our shoes is no progress. … These slave shoes are odious and we as a people should be called to resent and resist them.”
Come on, Jesse! Where’s your sense of humor? Wait — what’s that you say? You had it whipped out of you by a cheery white man that doesn’t care whether your young men rot in prison or die in storm drains? My bad!
Anyway, here’s a memo to the German sneaker dudes: What the @#$! is wrong with you cabbage breathing donkey holes?
In the wake of the Shackle Shoe fiasco, Adidas has also had to withdraw several other great pieces of concept footware:
- The Oven Shoe: Featuring the reformed gold fillings of dead Jews as shoelace eyeholes. Perfect for Passover!
- The Happy Injun Shoe: Featuring, in place of a traditional tongue, an actual tongue belonging to a long-dead Indian, as well as real Indian-scalp fringe at the ankles. Perfect to wear on your next casino outing!
- The Homesick Baby Shoe: Featuring the wonderfully elastic, durable skin of aborted human fetuses. What the savvy lady will be wearing to every baby shower this season!
- The Lucky Lady Shoe: Featuring tasteful, one-of-a-kind blood-splatter on every pair. When you walk, the heels squeak: “Shut up, bitch.” The perfect anniversary present for the woman in your life!
What do you guys reckon? Adidas Shackle Shoe: good clean fun? Or a police truncheon up the ass? Let me know in the comments section. You! Yeah…you! Leave a damn comment! Hot damn.
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