Clayton Diggs

4 out of 5 assholes hate Clayton

Tag: ipad

Father’s Day 2012, The Parent Du Jour, and Charlize Theron’s Butt Poll 3

You ever just sit around and think about Father’s Day?  I didn’t get a chance to until this morning, seeing as how yesterday I decided to spend the whole waking day and sleeping night with my son.

So today, in honor of dads everywhere, I’m offering up a copy of Lisa Duggan’s lovely “Parent Du Jour” interview of yours truly.  See the interview in its more glorious original form on Lisa’s great, ParentDuJour.com, a site serving up one mom and one dad every day, 365 days of the year.

CLAYTON DIGGS

No friend to a raccoon

From “A DAD A DAY” by Lisa Duggan

AGE: Can’t recall… thirty-something?

HOMETOWN: Nowhereville, in the Deep, Dark South.

@TWITTER: @claytondiggs

ON THE WEB: Clayton Diggs

NUMBER OF CHILDREN: One, though sometimes that one seems like a damn army.

DAY JOB: Unemployed / Getting hammered / Blogger slash writer

Bio:

“Clayton Diggs currently has several books of fiction in the works, soon to be available for general consumption for Kindle, Nook, and on Audible.com. His writing, like his blogs, shows flashes of the dulled rapier wit that has made Southern humor famous throughout the land. At this moment, Clayton isn’t available for comment because he just blasted another damned raccoon and is trying to skin it. If you’re following him on Twitter, you know this to be true. If you’re savvy on skinning raccoons, please do send him a message, or tweet him on Twitter. He’s getting kind of desperate, and when he’s desperate he takes to drinking, and when he takes to drinking, he often ends up in jail, and even though the sheriff is his cousin and will release him in the morning, it’s still not an experience he’s real keen on.”

Clayton Diggs, The Parent Du Jour, Father’s Day

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Divorced

FAVORITE CHILDREN’S BOOK What children’s book is a favorite in your house and why? What book has made a great impact on you or your kids? Was there/ is there a story that was passed down from generation to generation?

Is the Bartender’s Bible a children’s book? I’m almost kidding.

But junior does love the hell out of the iPad version of the Three Little Pigs. When the damn wolf falls into the pot of boiling water, the boy giggles like a simple fool. It’s cute, but kind of creepy too. Just the other day he boiled a big pot of water in my chimney and then kind of casually suggested I try using the front door less and the chimney more.A story passed down from generation to generation? Well, I do tell junior about how his uncle Remus blew his damn self up with a homemade still, which isn’t so much a lesson about not doing illegal shit as it is a lesson about how you really shouldn’t smoke around highly flammable stuff. Man, we do miss that old boy, though. RIP, you idiot.

HOW DO YOU COMBINE WORK AND FAMILY?

I’ve got the boy four days of the week. Since I mostly just fix stuff around the property or diddle and fiddle around on the computer, I get to hang out with him the whole time I’ve got him, which is awesome. He’s a year and like eight months now, so he can walk and keep me company when I’m hammering in a fence post or he can pass me shotgun shells while I’m blasting a raccoon off the damn porch.

HOW HAS PARENTING CHANGED YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL?

I think it’s made me drink more. When I’m really blitzed I tend to forget about all the ways that I feel totally inadequate as a dad.

WHAT IS YOUR WORST PARENTING MOMENT?

Man, that’s a tough question. I guess it’s most every time when I imagine some stupid shit I did that could have gotten my kid maimed or killed. It’s amazing how many of those there are. Like, you leave a loaded bear trap just a little too close to the edge of the kitchen counter, you know?

WHAT IS YOUR BEST PARENTING MOMENT?

All the times I didn’t get the kid maimed or killed. We’ve got a pretty good streak going, and that’s cool.

“I’m so cute it hurts. I’m so damn sweet I make you seem like a bull’s scrotum. Yeehah!”

And here, as a gift to hardworking dads everywhere, is The Charlize Theron Butt Poll 3.  Remember: be honest.  It’s the only path to personal growth.

“Help me! It happens that I might be a bit too delicious. Tobey Maguire’s mouth tastes like Leo DiCaprio’s anus.”

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Ipads, Converters, and Whores

You ever just sit around and think about how technology doesn’t work for you but instead technology makes you its damn whore? I did recently, when I got the damn fool idea of buying an iPad. Now, first off, I’d much appreciate it if nobody reading this would tell anyone where I live about this, ‘cause I’m likely to get tarred and feathered and called a queer (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and maybe worse. In my neck of the wood an iPad is what a woman wears when she’s in a mood.

Thing of it is, I love the damn thing and I can’t stop buying shit on it. It’s too easy to get on the App Store and get free crap like kids’ books and quizzes and how-to-make-a-homemade-still-apps and how-to-put-arsenic-into-your-asshole-neighbor’s-water-supply apps and so on. It’s some crazy shit! I mean, seriously, I’m up all night throwing down juleps and looking up drink recipes and making drinks and throwing down juleps and then the damn sun comes up. What the hell? You know?

Recently somebody gave a real nice book of drink recipes, thick, glossy pictures and all that good stuff. Only trouble was, thing was written in You-Rope and all the drinks were in metric. Like, I wanted to make a Cadillac Margarita but what the hell is 200ml of lime juice? Then I thought about my iPad and all those damn apps and wouldn’t you know it, it’s three in the morning and I’m buying a universal Converter! from http://www.PinchMultimedia.com and converting mls to ounces and making a Cadillac Margarita (and hey, if you boys at Pinch wanna pay be for saying this shit I won’t say no) and by the way, 200ml is 2 damn ounces, you You-Ropean freaks! What’s wrong with folks? So I made the drink and then I got to screwing around with the Converter! and it converts like 400 different things and then I passed out and woke up on the ground with a cat licking my face.

The other thing about the iPad is my kid loves it. He’s like just barely a year and a half and already he’s unlocking the thing himself and starting up his favorite books, turning pages, laughing like the cute little fool that he is. Man, I hate to say it, but I LOVE this damn gadget. Anything that makes my kid happy and might be better for him than the TV is okay by me. Only trouble is, way things are going, junior’s college fund is gonna get spent on cool apps. What are you gonna do? You gotta have priorities, you know? Yeehah!

“Okay, Mister. Just leave the iPad on the dresser.”

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