Clayton Diggs

4 out of 5 assholes hate Clayton

Tag: claytondiggs

Anderson Cooper Gay, Tom Cruise Too, and Other Shockers

You ever just sit around and think about Anderson Cooper? I did recently when I saw the shocking news that the CNN anchor turns out to be…GAY!  Who saw that one coming? Later on, following his first announcement, Andy also came out as a body double for Casper the ghost, revealed that he was skinny, and turned folks on to the fact that he does not now, nor ever will, dye his hair white. Hot damn! Slow news day, anyone?

Anderson Cooper is a gay homosexual man

In related news, a rash of other celebrities have come out with their own startling revelations:

  1. Rush Limbaugh came out as a fat, deaf, drug-addicted hypocritical asshole who looks like a blubbery Mister Potato-Head.
  2. Larry King came out as a mummy and as “in all honesty dead for quite a while now.”
  3. George Burns came out as NOT dead, just really needing to take a break from all the touring and chain cigar-smoking.
  4. Tom Cruise came out as a gay, couch-jumping, big-toothed nut-job/compulsive giggler. (Please don’t kill me, Tom Cruise. I have a kid.)
  5. George Bush came out as Curious George, the Retarded Warmongering Monkey.
  6. Snooki came out as an alcoholic, rage-prone slut with a brain the size and consistency of a wasabi pea.
  7. Barack Obama came out as African… African-American, that is — motherfucker!

Can’t wait to hear more shocking news. Which reminds me, I think I’ll use this opportunity to come out as a whiskey-drinking mother-humpin’ redneck with scant tolerance for bigoted, Nazi-loving donkey-humpers. Kill the haters before they hate again! Hot damn!

What do you guys reckon?  Heard any other juicy celeb revelations?  Let me know in the comments section.  I’m always looking for a scoop.

“Yeah, I’m gay. What are you gonna do about it? Oh, you’re gonna suck my nuts about it? Well, that’s cool enough for school.”

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Social Media Explained, Your Mother Gets Eaten, and WTF?

Here, at last, for those of you out there who aren’t yet savvy about social media, is the definitive explanation of the most popular networks.  Oh, and your mother says “thanks.”

Social media explained

“Upshot: Your mother is tired…but she feels absolutely GREAT.”

What do you guys reckon about social media?  Give me your thoughts in the comments section below.  Don’t forget to mention your mother. Hot damn!

What Do You Love Most About (Gay) Jesus? A Poll

Okay, since because a bunch of you asked for it — here’s the Gay Jesus Poll.  Jesus H. Christ, take it easy!  Hot damn.

“How do I feel about Armani’s fall line? Meh…”

Top 7 Reasons to Suspect Jesus May Have Been Gay

(Editor’s note: clicking on links can lead you to some crazy-offensive shit.  You’ve been warned.)

Look: if you have a problem with this list, chances are you’re not a very good Christian.  See, Jesus, if he ever did walk the Earth, totally loved everybody no matter what, something that a lot of so-called Christians have a hard time wrapping their tiny, dense, inbred, little minds around.  Oh, and don’t forget the famous quote from the New Testament, when Jesus says: “Thou shalt have a sense of humor.  If thou dost not have a sense of humor, thou can suck my holy chubby.”  Or something like that.

Top 7 Reasons to Suspect Jesus May Have Been Gay

  1. He was very well-muscled from long hours of stroking wood in his carpenter’s shop.
  2. He had really great hair.  It was very full bodied and never frizzy, indicating the use of some minty product.
  3. He  was excessively into the whole “bros before hoes” thing.
  4. He told a bunch of dudes to eat his body and drink his blood.  How gay is that?
  5. On the cross he was heard to cry out: “This shade of wood doesn’t match my eyes!”
  6. He never had sex with a woman.
  7. He never had sex with a woman.  Wait…did I already say that?  Well, I reckon it deserves saying twice.

Hot damn!

And by the way, The Guardian actually has a serious article about gay Jesus, which you can read here.

What do you guys think?  Was Jesus minty?  Was he as straight as Randy “Macho Man” Savage (register irony)?  Let me know in the comments section.  Remember: Jesus would want you to leave a comment.

“I’m not gay. I just really dislike hair pie. Okay. You got me. I’m gay.”

Jenny Rauch Interview, Seinfeld Episodes That Wouldn’t Work Today, and Coffee

(Editor’s note: clicking on links might lead to insanely amusing shit. Or just informative shit. Depends on the link)

Dear  Twisted Bastards and Bastardettes,

Today I serve up in a tall glass a special treat for your consumption: an exclusive interview with the lovely and talented Jenny Bolam Rauch, author of the now-famous, Freshly Pressed blog post “Seinfeld Episodes That Wouldn’t Work Today“, and author and Queen Bee of her own coffee-drenched, very engaging universe, AdorablyCaffeinated.com.  If you haven’t yet visited her blog, nor read the Seinfeld piece, then do so right the hell now.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

Pretty great, huh?

As soon as I read Ms. Rauch’s blog, I just knew I had to get her to answer a pile of obnoxious questions. She’s been very obliging in this capacity, entrusting her safe-passage through Claytonlandia to yours truly.  Enjoy the results of her incredible error in judgment.  Hot damn!

Amazingly, she has also been foolish enough to interview me and post the very questionable results of that mistake on AdorablyCaffeinated.com.  Visit her site today (and every day) to read her exclusive interview with The Sickest Man in Show Business, The Sultan of Twisted, The Father of Many: Mr. Clayton Diggs.  That’s me, by the way. Hot damn!

“Wee, look at me. I am cute and caffeinated. I have a tongue. So do my girlfriends.”

Interview with Jenny Bolam Rauch (a.k.a. Jenny Rauch, ‘just Jenny’, ‘Hey, hot-stuff’)

1. Why did you start blogging? Why won’t you stop?

I read the site HelloGiggles a lot, and one day (this past January) they posted that they were looking for someone to contribute a weekly column. I got really excited and wrote a few pieces to submit (one of which I made my first blog post) but I never heard back from them. I was super bummed, because I had had so much fun writing those pieces. When I realized how good it felt to write again, my friend Annie (who writes a lovely music blog over at hautethought.com) told me I should just start my own blog. So I did. And I don’t think I’ll stop because I just love writing. Plus, it’s comforting to know that people relate to the random craziness that goes on in my head, and I’m not just clinically deranged.

2. If you were a day of the week, which would it be and why?

Saturday. Specifically Saturday afternoon. It’s the most relaxing time in the week, because you have your whole evening and Sunday ahead of you, and you didn’t have to go to work.

3. What, besides coffee, inspires you? “My parents” isn’t an answer.

Everything inspires me. Anything from a really cool photograph, to an encounter with a stranger, a television show, a new haircut, or Call Me Maybe. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I write about some completely random shit.

4. Does Starbucks pay your rent? How much is your rent?

HA I wish they paid my rent—though I’ll settle for an unlimited Starbucks card. My rent is too much. Cost of living in DC is brutal. We are literally paying double of what my high school/college friends are paying in the Chicago area.

5. What inspired the famous “Seinfeld Episodes That Wouldn’t Work Today” post?

I actually originally wrote the inspiration in the post, but decided to take myself out of it a little more. Lucky I did, or I probably wouldn’t have gotten freshly pressed and we wouldn’t be having this conversation (?) right now. My sister was visiting, and while we were taking some time out of the sun, we were watching DVDs of season 2. I had had these thoughts before, just not at a time when I was blogging. I was sure I wasn’t the only one, so I decided to write about it.

6. Were you taken aback by the success it enjoyed? Are you now smug?

Honestly, I was taken aback a little bit. I had finished it really quickly before running off to a softball game and didn’t think it was my best work. The first time I was freshly pressed (for my breakup letter to How I Met Your Mother) it was humbling and exciting. This time it kind of made me hungry. Freshly pressed twice in less than five months? Yeah, maybe a little smug. Though [it’s more like]

‘more confident’ ☺

7. If you had to sleep with one Seinfeld character, whom would it be and why?

Well, not George because unlike Marisa Tomei, I’m not attracted to short bald men. Not Kramer, because well, just no. Jerry’s a little neurotic… I’m going to go with Elaine. She’d probably be best in the sack.

8. If you had to make out with a Starbucks coffee drink, which would it be and why?

Alex made me a drink one time that was half mocha, half white mocha, a little caramel and vanilla, and with half & half instead of regular milk. I can’t even describe to you how good it was. I wanted to marry it right in the store, and the way I slurped it up was basically a make-out session.

9. What’s your favorite movie? Justify your answer if necessary.

Crap. Umm. I love movies, so this is really hard for me. And it’s also hard to compare something like “Some Like It Hot” to “Can’t Hardly Wait” or “The Avengers”, all of which are amazing and very different. Ok. “America’s Sweethearts.” Final answer. I can’t help it. I know basically every line and I’m never not in a mood to watch it.

10. What’s your favorite color? Justify your answer no matter what.

Aqua. It looks great on me, and while I really love yellow, yellow sometimes gives me a headache and aqua never does.

11. If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, whom would it be and why? Remember: Vampires and Zombies are neither living nor dead, so they’re verboten.

Abraham Lincoln. I want to find out if he really hunted vampires. Or Oprah, because well, she’s Oprah.

12. Burnt to a crisp or bloody as hell?

I’m not sure I know what that means. If you’re referring to steak, I like mine to be mooing. If this is some sort of dirty code, then I plead the 5th.

13. Boxers or briefs?

Haha I asked you this too. I like to wear boxers. The bunchy feeling they give me under my jeggings is really soothing.

14. Taco salad or foot-long hotdog? Remember: pig anus is delicious.

I love hot dogs. And nothing you say can change my mind. I’m eating three at the Nationals game tonight. Whaddup.

15. Gandhi or Darth Vader? Remember: Gandhi is smug.

Darth Vader all the way. Imagine how much more headway Gandhi would’ve gotten if he had been able to choke the opposition with the power of his mind.

16. What do you make of Adidas Shackle Shoes? Funnier than slavery?

One of my co-workers actually thinks they were modeled after some toy he had called “My Pet Monster.” Maybe the Germans aren’t as racist as we all think.

17. What do you think of Charlize Theron’s derriere? Better than Cheez Whiz?

I think she has a mighty fine hiney.

18. What superpower would you most like to have and why?

I’ve actually given this a lot of thought before. Answer is, bar none, teleportation. It would be such a time-saver. I could’ve walked on the beach in the South of France and been back in the time it took me to answer these interview questions.

19. Why did the chicken cross the mega-highway? Being gay isn’t why!

Well being gay would be a very good reason, but only if there was only opposite-sex chickens on his side of the highway, and a gaggle of same-sex chickens on the other side. I’m going to get philosophical and say he crossed it “because it was there.” Much like Everest.

20. Have you found that this interview violated your personal space? P.S. Please withdraw the restraining order. I’m actually harmless, despite what my now-dead probation officer says.

I feel incredibly violated. In fact, I’m ending this interview right now.

“It hurts so good. Better than coffee. Better than sex.”

The Charlize Theron Butt Poll 4

My sincerest apologies to some, but a bunch of undersexed Internet monkeys have asked for this… so here it is:

The Charlize Theron Butt Poll 4

“Prepare for an ass-Supernova. Tobey Maguire’s mouth tastes like Leo DiCaprio’s toes.”

Adidas Shackle Shoes, German Humor, and Jesse Jackson

(Editor’s note: clicking on links might lead to insanely amusing schlitz. Or some horrific/informative schlitz. Depends on the link)

You ever just sit around and think about German sneaker-maker Adidas? I did, recently, when I came across a cute little idea those wacky Europeans had: a sneaker with prison-orange shackles that wrap around the wearer’s ankles.

“Uproariously tasteful, just like a Jesus-man-flesh sandwich.”

Now I know what you’re thinking: Who the heck could this possibly offend? Just because the shoes are obviously marketed to young black dudes, and just because black folks have endured rape, torture, and enslavement at the hands of white folks, and just because Germans haven’t always been awesome in terms of their human rights record, and just because the first thing you think of when you see the #@$!ing shoes is @#!$ing Kunta Kinte and whip-scarred backs and dead black folks on slave ships — well that’s no reason why anyone should be offended…right? Hot damn!

Among those not super-amused by Adidas was Jesse Jackson. In a statement, he said:

“The attempt to commercialize and make popular more than 200 years of human degradation, where blacks were considered three-fifths human by our Constitution is offensive, appalling and insensitive. Removing the chains from our ankles and placing them on our shoes is no progress. … These slave shoes are odious and we as a people should be called to resent and resist them.”

Come on, Jesse! Where’s your sense of humor? Wait — what’s that you say? You had it whipped out of you by a cheery white man that doesn’t care whether your young men rot in prison or die in storm drains? My bad!

Anyway, here’s a memo to the German sneaker dudes: What the @#$! is wrong with you cabbage breathing donkey holes?

In the wake of the Shackle Shoe fiasco, Adidas has also had to withdraw several other great pieces of concept footware:

  1. The Oven Shoe: Featuring the reformed gold fillings of dead Jews as shoelace eyeholes. Perfect for Passover!
  2. The Happy Injun Shoe: Featuring, in place of a traditional tongue, an actual tongue belonging to a long-dead Indian, as well as real Indian-scalp fringe at the ankles. Perfect to wear on your next casino outing!
  3. The Homesick Baby Shoe: Featuring the wonderfully elastic, durable skin of aborted human fetuses. What the savvy lady will be wearing to every baby shower this season!
  4. The Lucky Lady Shoe: Featuring tasteful, one-of-a-kind blood-splatter on every pair. When you walk, the heels squeak: “Shut up, bitch.” The perfect anniversary present for the woman in your life!

What do you guys reckon? Adidas Shackle Shoe: good clean fun? Or a police truncheon up the ass? Let me know in the comments section. You! Yeah…you! Leave a damn comment! Hot damn.

Father’s Day 2012, The Parent Du Jour, and Charlize Theron’s Butt Poll 3

You ever just sit around and think about Father’s Day?  I didn’t get a chance to until this morning, seeing as how yesterday I decided to spend the whole waking day and sleeping night with my son.

So today, in honor of dads everywhere, I’m offering up a copy of Lisa Duggan’s lovely “Parent Du Jour” interview of yours truly.  See the interview in its more glorious original form on Lisa’s great, ParentDuJour.com, a site serving up one mom and one dad every day, 365 days of the year.

CLAYTON DIGGS

No friend to a raccoon

From “A DAD A DAY” by Lisa Duggan

AGE: Can’t recall… thirty-something?

HOMETOWN: Nowhereville, in the Deep, Dark South.

@TWITTER: @claytondiggs

ON THE WEB: Clayton Diggs

NUMBER OF CHILDREN: One, though sometimes that one seems like a damn army.

DAY JOB: Unemployed / Getting hammered / Blogger slash writer

Bio:

“Clayton Diggs currently has several books of fiction in the works, soon to be available for general consumption for Kindle, Nook, and on Audible.com. His writing, like his blogs, shows flashes of the dulled rapier wit that has made Southern humor famous throughout the land. At this moment, Clayton isn’t available for comment because he just blasted another damned raccoon and is trying to skin it. If you’re following him on Twitter, you know this to be true. If you’re savvy on skinning raccoons, please do send him a message, or tweet him on Twitter. He’s getting kind of desperate, and when he’s desperate he takes to drinking, and when he takes to drinking, he often ends up in jail, and even though the sheriff is his cousin and will release him in the morning, it’s still not an experience he’s real keen on.”

Clayton Diggs, The Parent Du Jour, Father’s Day

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Divorced

FAVORITE CHILDREN’S BOOK What children’s book is a favorite in your house and why? What book has made a great impact on you or your kids? Was there/ is there a story that was passed down from generation to generation?

Is the Bartender’s Bible a children’s book? I’m almost kidding.

But junior does love the hell out of the iPad version of the Three Little Pigs. When the damn wolf falls into the pot of boiling water, the boy giggles like a simple fool. It’s cute, but kind of creepy too. Just the other day he boiled a big pot of water in my chimney and then kind of casually suggested I try using the front door less and the chimney more.A story passed down from generation to generation? Well, I do tell junior about how his uncle Remus blew his damn self up with a homemade still, which isn’t so much a lesson about not doing illegal shit as it is a lesson about how you really shouldn’t smoke around highly flammable stuff. Man, we do miss that old boy, though. RIP, you idiot.

HOW DO YOU COMBINE WORK AND FAMILY?

I’ve got the boy four days of the week. Since I mostly just fix stuff around the property or diddle and fiddle around on the computer, I get to hang out with him the whole time I’ve got him, which is awesome. He’s a year and like eight months now, so he can walk and keep me company when I’m hammering in a fence post or he can pass me shotgun shells while I’m blasting a raccoon off the damn porch.

HOW HAS PARENTING CHANGED YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL?

I think it’s made me drink more. When I’m really blitzed I tend to forget about all the ways that I feel totally inadequate as a dad.

WHAT IS YOUR WORST PARENTING MOMENT?

Man, that’s a tough question. I guess it’s most every time when I imagine some stupid shit I did that could have gotten my kid maimed or killed. It’s amazing how many of those there are. Like, you leave a loaded bear trap just a little too close to the edge of the kitchen counter, you know?

WHAT IS YOUR BEST PARENTING MOMENT?

All the times I didn’t get the kid maimed or killed. We’ve got a pretty good streak going, and that’s cool.

“I’m so cute it hurts. I’m so damn sweet I make you seem like a bull’s scrotum. Yeehah!”

And here, as a gift to hardworking dads everywhere, is The Charlize Theron Butt Poll 3.  Remember: be honest.  It’s the only path to personal growth.

“Help me! It happens that I might be a bit too delicious. Tobey Maguire’s mouth tastes like Leo DiCaprio’s anus.”

Chinese Police Beat Activists to Celebrate Tiananmen Square Massacre

(Editor’s warning: Clicking on links is likely to lead you to some insanely disturbing shit)

On Sunday, June 3rd, Police in China beat the damn hell out of a group of peaceful demonstrators to celebrate the glorious and wildly misunderstood Tiananmen Square bloodbath.

The demonstrators, you see, were marking the 23rd anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre. The massacre took place back in 1989  when Chinese Government People’s Liberation soldiers stormed the square and opened fire on demonstrators, including unarmed Chinese men, women, and kids, killing and maiming thousands of them. The bodies of the innocent hit the ground like a gentle rain in spring. A good time was had by almost everyone but especially by the police.

Said small-dicked Police Chief Hung Not-well: “It was so much fun killing everyone in 1989 that we just thought we should do it again.” Then, reconsidering, Not-well qualified, “Yeah, we haven’t killed anyone this time, just beat them stupid and bloody and threatened to kill them. But hey, the day is young!  I just I love the smell of human rights violations in the morning.  It smells like feces.”

I love the smell of human rights violations in the morning.  It smells like feces.

The June 3rd peaceful demonstrators voiced similar feelings of joy, exultation, and national pride. Said an adorable Chinese child with a broken arm and bloodied face: “I was too young for the original massacre, so it’s awesome to be able to be beaten almost to death and really feel like I’m a part of something. I’m only disappointed that the pigs didn’t open fire on us like my dad said they might. I was really hoping they would spray my guts all over the square like in 1989.”

The child’s father, a short man with a broken nose and smashed teeth, agreed: “Nothing is more festive than seeing the  blood and guts of innocent children. After all, the Chinese flag is red, you know? And if you take into account the fear-induced urine that mingles with the blood, you get the whole package. It is truly glorious and inspiring.”

Chief Hung Too-small-to-see-with-the-naked-fucking-eye chimed in by sliding the bolt on his assault rifle, saying: “Let’s really get this party started!”

We can only hope that next year’s Tiananmen anniversary measures up to this year’s. You really have to give it to dickless, fuckbag Chinese Supreme Leader Hu Jintao: that worthless piece of muskrat shit really knows how to throw a party. We here in the good ol’ US of A have got a thing or two to learn about how to dance the funky chicken but good.  Hot damn!

“I am Supreme Leader of China, Hu Jintao. I am a child-rapist.”

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