Clayton Diggs

4 out of 5 assholes hate Clayton

Tag: child support

Father’s Day 2012, The Parent Du Jour, and Charlize Theron’s Butt Poll 3

You ever just sit around and think about Father’s Day?  I didn’t get a chance to until this morning, seeing as how yesterday I decided to spend the whole waking day and sleeping night with my son.

So today, in honor of dads everywhere, I’m offering up a copy of Lisa Duggan’s lovely “Parent Du Jour” interview of yours truly.  See the interview in its more glorious original form on Lisa’s great, ParentDuJour.com, a site serving up one mom and one dad every day, 365 days of the year.

CLAYTON DIGGS

No friend to a raccoon

From “A DAD A DAY” by Lisa Duggan

AGE: Can’t recall… thirty-something?

HOMETOWN: Nowhereville, in the Deep, Dark South.

@TWITTER: @claytondiggs

ON THE WEB: Clayton Diggs

NUMBER OF CHILDREN: One, though sometimes that one seems like a damn army.

DAY JOB: Unemployed / Getting hammered / Blogger slash writer

Bio:

“Clayton Diggs currently has several books of fiction in the works, soon to be available for general consumption for Kindle, Nook, and on Audible.com. His writing, like his blogs, shows flashes of the dulled rapier wit that has made Southern humor famous throughout the land. At this moment, Clayton isn’t available for comment because he just blasted another damned raccoon and is trying to skin it. If you’re following him on Twitter, you know this to be true. If you’re savvy on skinning raccoons, please do send him a message, or tweet him on Twitter. He’s getting kind of desperate, and when he’s desperate he takes to drinking, and when he takes to drinking, he often ends up in jail, and even though the sheriff is his cousin and will release him in the morning, it’s still not an experience he’s real keen on.”

Clayton Diggs, The Parent Du Jour, Father’s Day

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Divorced

FAVORITE CHILDREN’S BOOK What children’s book is a favorite in your house and why? What book has made a great impact on you or your kids? Was there/ is there a story that was passed down from generation to generation?

Is the Bartender’s Bible a children’s book? I’m almost kidding.

But junior does love the hell out of the iPad version of the Three Little Pigs. When the damn wolf falls into the pot of boiling water, the boy giggles like a simple fool. It’s cute, but kind of creepy too. Just the other day he boiled a big pot of water in my chimney and then kind of casually suggested I try using the front door less and the chimney more.A story passed down from generation to generation? Well, I do tell junior about how his uncle Remus blew his damn self up with a homemade still, which isn’t so much a lesson about not doing illegal shit as it is a lesson about how you really shouldn’t smoke around highly flammable stuff. Man, we do miss that old boy, though. RIP, you idiot.

HOW DO YOU COMBINE WORK AND FAMILY?

I’ve got the boy four days of the week. Since I mostly just fix stuff around the property or diddle and fiddle around on the computer, I get to hang out with him the whole time I’ve got him, which is awesome. He’s a year and like eight months now, so he can walk and keep me company when I’m hammering in a fence post or he can pass me shotgun shells while I’m blasting a raccoon off the damn porch.

HOW HAS PARENTING CHANGED YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL?

I think it’s made me drink more. When I’m really blitzed I tend to forget about all the ways that I feel totally inadequate as a dad.

WHAT IS YOUR WORST PARENTING MOMENT?

Man, that’s a tough question. I guess it’s most every time when I imagine some stupid shit I did that could have gotten my kid maimed or killed. It’s amazing how many of those there are. Like, you leave a loaded bear trap just a little too close to the edge of the kitchen counter, you know?

WHAT IS YOUR BEST PARENTING MOMENT?

All the times I didn’t get the kid maimed or killed. We’ve got a pretty good streak going, and that’s cool.

“I’m so cute it hurts. I’m so damn sweet I make you seem like a bull’s scrotum. Yeehah!”

And here, as a gift to hardworking dads everywhere, is The Charlize Theron Butt Poll 3.  Remember: be honest.  It’s the only path to personal growth.

“Help me! It happens that I might be a bit too delicious. Tobey Maguire’s mouth tastes like Leo DiCaprio’s anus.”

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30 Kids, a Hatchett Man, and the Hokey-Pokey

You ever just sit around and think about fathering kids? Desmond Hatchett, a 33 year-old dude from Tennessee did, and a lot by the look of things, because he ended up with 30 rug-rats. Hot damn, man, you’re on fire! I mean, how the hell in a hoot-a-nanny do you father 30 damn kids? Okay, so maybe that’s not exactly the right question, seeing as how the answer’s as plain as pie. I mean, what the hell where you thinking, dude, when you fathered 30…hang, on, wrong question again…I’m pretty sure we know what he was thinking.

He was thinking about the Hokey-Pokey, right? He put his third leg in, he took his third leg out, he put his third leg in, and shaked it all about. He did the Hokey-Pokey and he turned himself into a dude who’s gotta pay child support to 11 women. Tell you what, that’s a “Hatchett” job if I ever heard of one. I mean, this dude’s been hacking away at this for years. I mean, he’s taken a lot of whacks at being a father.  I mean…okay, enough of that.

Thing about the child support is, seeing as how the Hatchett man only makes minimum wage, a lot of the moms are only getting like $1.49 a month, which last time I checked was enough to buy a pack of diapers….circa, about 1945. And isn’t word getting around the neighborhood about this guy?  I mean, mothers, lock up your daughters when you see the Hatchett man coming.

And here’s the really crazy part: the Hatchett man’s oldest kid is only 14. That means he’s averaged better than two kids and two moms for the past 14 years. The guy’s setting up franchises, trouble being that they don’t make money. And when they asked him how it all happened he said: “I put the third leg in, I take the third leg out…” Actually, the dude said he hit the big 3-oh because: “I had four kids in the same year. Twice.” Okay, Hatchett man, that covers eight of the little buggers. What about the other 22? I mean, that’s two soccer teams, football offense and defense. Jesus wept. And when he did, Desmond Hatchett got hot and bothered and found lucky lady 12, no doubt. What the hell!

Despite the fact that Hatchett man’s been to court over child support a bunch, it seems the state can’t shut down his factory. He hasn’t broken any laws, aside from being a total blithering-jackass-pistoning-jackrabbit of human being. So remember, kids, don’t be a Hatchett man. Wrap your junk up. Use a rubber, man. Got no rubber? Shit, grab a plastic bag, Saran-wrap, whatever, a bologna sandwich, whatever. Hot damn!

“Oh…Desmond…Hokey-Pokey me!” 

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