(Editor’s note: clicking on links can lead you to some crazy-offensive shit. You’ve been warned.)
Look: if you have a problem with this list, chances are you’re not a very good Christian. See, Jesus, if he ever did walk the Earth, totally loved everybody no matter what, something that a lot of so-called Christians have a hard time wrapping their tiny, dense, inbred, little minds around. Oh, and don’t forget the famous quote from the New Testament, when Jesus says: “Thou shalt have a sense of humor. If thou dost not have a sense of humor, thou can suck my holy chubby.” Or something like that.
Top 7 Reasons to Suspect Jesus May Have Been Gay
- He was very well-muscled from long hours of stroking wood in his carpenter’s shop.
- He had really great hair. It was very full bodied and never frizzy, indicating the use of some minty product.
- He was excessively into the whole “bros before hoes” thing.
- He told a bunch of dudes to eat his body and drink his blood. How gay is that?
- On the cross he was heard to cry out: “This shade of wood doesn’t match my eyes!”
- He never had sex with a woman.
- He never had sex with a woman. Wait…did I already say that? Well, I reckon it deserves saying twice.
And by the way, The Guardian actually has a serious article about gay Jesus, which you can read here.
What do you guys think? Was Jesus minty? Was he as straight as Randy “Macho Man” Savage (register irony)? Let me know in the comments section. Remember: Jesus would want you to leave a comment.