Clayton Diggs

Did you ever just sit around and think about the Kentucky Derby? I did today, because today was the running of the Kentucky Derby. Horses, girls in hats, low cut dresses, Bourbon juleps, betting – it’s the American way! Yeehah!

I can’t really afford to get out to Churchill Downs this year, but the least I could do was sit on the couch with my kid and slam juleps and yell stuff at the screen. Funny thing: “I’ll Have Another” won the damn race. I’ll have another too, if you don’t mind! And another!

That little three-year-old thoroughbred sure can move. Did you hear? The little chestnut colt sold for $11,000! 11 grand? That’s what owner J. Paul Reddam spends in a week on hookers to help him forget about all the American families his loan company was “forced” to throw out into street in the middle of a blizzard (Reddam used to own DiTech, sold it for a trillion bucks, and now is in the biz of raping homeowners and their kids with a company called CashCall, if you can fuckin’ believe it – also, he feasts on children’s kidneys every Sunday)! 11 grand? That’s the kind of money that J. Paul Reddam spends on diamond tie-pins! That’s the kind of money that J. Paul Reddam… anyway, enough of that. It’s cheap for the sonofabitch.

You see what that guy said about racing? Check it out: “Every once in a while, something good happens, and that keeps you gambling, buying horses, what have you” (ReadAnd what have you, Paulie? As in subprime-mortgage loans designed to drive hardworking American families into foreclosure? As in the giant sucking sound of your bloated ass gobbling the college funds of kids all over America. Hell yeah? What have you! Another day at the races, folks. God Bless America.

But I do love the races. The Derby’s been run continually since like 1875! There’s juleps and there’s burgoo! Burgoo to you too. It’s a thick stew of beef, chicken, pork, goat, elephant, dolphin, bald eagle, and veggies. It’s delicious.  Check out my recipe for burgoo here: https://claytondiggs.wordpress.com/recipes/. It’s a melting pot, just like the good old U.S. of A. And there’s jockeys! Dudes the size of a six year old who weigh like 100 pounds covered in tar and eat three carrots and a stick of celery once a week and never touch burgoo, not even once. And the jockey who won it this year, Mr. Mario Gutierrez, a 25-year-old kid from Veracruz, Mexico. Word is that Mario was paid just as well for his work as most other Mexican’s get paid for theirs; that’s to say, J. Paul Reddam gave him a home loan right before he foreclosed on the guy’s six kids and had him deported back to Juarez for not having his papers in order. Yeehah! Enjoy.

So yeah, it was a good time had by all, but especially by that champ, Mr. J. Paul Reddam. Sure hope he wins big at the Preakness and at the Belmont. Can’t ever have too many shady loan companies in America. For now, anyway, me and the kid are just gonna chill here on the couch until J. Paul shows up to repossess it. It’s another damn day at the races and I couldn’t be any happier!

“Beat that horse, little Mexican. Do it for J. Paul Reddam!”